Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 14, 2012
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the
postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly
delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and
devotion,
Agnes
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 15, 2012
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very
sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at
your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 16, 2012
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one.
Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three
French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too
kind.
Love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 17, 2012
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling
birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is
enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 18, 2012
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman
delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were
beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 19, 2012
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were
actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the
birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 20, 2012
John:
What's with you and those fucking
birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this?
There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the
racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not
funny. So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 21, 2012
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the
hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with
all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their
God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in
my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 22, 2012
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist?
Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday
morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 23, 2012
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I
don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those
pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the
diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't
be condemned. I'm sicing the police on you.
One who means it.
Miss Agnes McHolstein
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
9
Packer Avenue
Rumson,
New Jersey
December 24, 2012
Listen! Fuckhead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on
those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy
with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled
to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious
swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Law
Offices Dewey, Cheatem and Howe
28
Arrowwood Court
Red
Bank, New Jersey, 07701
December 25, 2012
Dear Sir:
This
is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total.
All
correspondence should come to our attention.
If
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium,
the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With
this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Dewey, Cheatem and Howe, Esquires
Comment:
Ah! The true meaning of Christmas! Remember - Give till it hurts!
Cheerio
The Fellas (Friends of St Nick)
PS Our thanks to the member who sent this particular contribution in!
Cheerio
The Fellas (Friends of St Nick)
PS Our thanks to the member who sent this particular contribution in!
