So there you are, newly arrived in AA after having gone through the required 'shake, rattle and roll'. You feel like death warmed up, your life's a mess, the wife/husband/partner/kids/friends don't particularly want you around. They tell you that they love you but you know they're pretty much done. The job, if you're lucky enough to still have one, is looking pretty precarious and your employer is making all sorts of subtle hints .. like easing you gently towards the door! A court case for drunk driving is probably on the cards as you spend yet another night behind closed doors courtesy of the 'law' wondering to yourself what the hell you're in for. You hope it's not for something worse. The rehab centre has installed revolving doors especially for you so frequently have you graced their humble establishment whilst lodging yet another generous deposit of your money – or someone else's - in their ever burgeoning bank account. Your GP's looking slightly bored at your latest visit to the surgery as you report yet another mysterious ailment which causes you to blackout at the most unexpected moments (mostly after imbibing the second quart of vodka that day). Your body aches, you feel exhausted, your mind can't take the strain anymore. Quite frankly there doesn't seem to be much point in going on......
But then
out of the blue 'chummy' arrives and sticks their hand out in your
direction. Eyes gleaming with newfound fervour they're virtually
bouncing up and down right in front of you. Grasping the
outstretched appendage uncertainly you oscillate it in the approved
fashion not really wanting to go through this pointless activity.
But you have officially been greeted, the hand of AA liberally
extended! Before you've had time to gather your wits (or what's left
of them) 'chummy' asks you if you've got a sponsor? 'What the hell
are they talking about?' you ask yourself. 'I didn't know I had to
get a sponsor to join AA? Sponsor. Sponsor. Do they mean Nike or
something?' Your evident confusion doesn't go completely unnoticed
as your brand new bestest ever friend goes through their carefully
rehearsed spiel. 'Sponsor. Sponsor. Someone to take you through the
steps', they exclaim, their eyes by now virtually popping out of
their heads whilst a rictus smile remains firmly welded to their
lips. 'Steps. Steps. What the hell are steps?' you again enquire
internally. By this time the remainder of the pack have moved in. On
every side you're jostled by a whole band of newest even more bestest
friends. “Sponsor, sponsor” they call in unison though not
pausing even for a moment to properly explain. “Am I in a
madhouse?' you ask yourself, and look vainly around for some means of
escape. But then you don't like to offend and allow yourself to be
carried along in the rush. The first part of the 'grooming' process
has now been completed.
Now this
may come as a surprise to some amongst you but 'deferred
gratification' has never been a particularly strong suit amongst
alcoholics. Think about it! For years on end you've been plugging
bucket loads of a highly toxic substance down your throat in an
effort to reach some non-existent nirvana. Sometimes you've almost
made it or at least so you've managed to persuade yourself. Along
the way nothing but turmoil and disaster follow you and yet you
remain strangely oblivious to the general chaos. It's not as though
you don't know it's happening. It just doesn't seem to register in
the way it would with normal people. But just this side of death
crunch time comes and you're faced with the awful reality... and some
of you end up in AA..... the pits! But then there's 'chummy' and
all his wonderful promises … nay even guarantees! Apparently by
just following a few simple 'directions' (sorry..... suggestions) you
too can be ushered into the holy realm. “Happy, joyous and free”,
“beyond your wildest dreams”, “rocketed into” this that or
the other “dimension”.. it's all yours for the taking, and no
need for any delay, or even any really serious work along the way.
Just ring your sponsor and pester a couple of other newcomers every
day (plus a few other things) and you need never have another bad
one! 'Misery is optional' they chant in unison, and with all those
happy, happy smiling faces it seems churlish to disagree. So you
join in … after all you've been orbiting the outer limits for too
long now. Ain't it great to be part of something so exhaustingly
wonderful! Soon you find yourself singing along with the 'choir'.
Your home group is the best in the world. Your sponsor (assigned to
you) is the best in the world. Your friends are definitely the
bestest best in the world etc etc. Everything is proceeding
absolutely swimmingly. But then the first stirrings of independent
thought begin to arise. You might even venture to express an opinion
or two. After all you've been in AA nearly four weeks now and you're
already on Step Eight … but then you're not entirely sure what
that's all about! And worst of all you still get the odd craving for
a swift bottle or two. Of course you can't mention this to your
sponsor because he/she's far too busy being “happy, joyous and
free”. But then you finally summon up the courage to express your
doubts only to be greeted with a stern rebuke. “You said you were
prepared to go to any lengths”, your sponsor points out while
drawing your attention to that part of the contract. “Well yes”,
you reply but only to be drowned out by the chants of “happy,
joyous etc” going on constantly in the background. Things maybe
have turned a bit cold and you suddenly discover you're no longer
'flavour of the day'. Maybe you've acquired a bit of reputation for
being a 'difficult' customer. Suddenly even your bestest friends
don't seem so keen. You try all the harder shouting louder than
everybody else about how wonderful everything is. But deep down it's
all beginning to sound a bit fake and you start to wonder if anything
they (or you) say is actually true. And then those cravings you've
had finally kick in for real and off you go on a brief but
devastating bender. Beaten into submission by the bottle you drag
your weary bones back to the best group in the world. But now
everyone looks at you like you've got the plague. You're stuck at the
back of the room like some leper whilst others look on pityingly at
the newest reprobate. But the final straw is when your sponsor,
shaking their head, 'fires' you: “Wasn't really prepared to go to
any lengths”, they mutter. It's official ….. You're a
failure...... An alcoholic who drinks!!!! Who would believe it!
Maybe
you'll decide it's all over, and AA is a load of old s**t, and then
maybe you'll just wander off in search of either a bottle or another
solution. On the other hand you might decide to give it another shot
and go to one of 'those other meetings' where everyone is 'sick' and
no one's got the 'true' message. You walk through the door and
maybe someone'll look up and give you a nod. You'll get yourself a
tea and maybe someone else will say “Hi” and ask you how you are.
What you won't get is a 'pack' descending on you like you're the
'kill of the day'. When the meeting starts maybe they'll talk a bit
more about drink than usual but then they'll talk about themselves as
well, and the ups and downs which are part and parcel of a more
mundane 'realm'. No 'Disneyland' recovery here. Nobody will offer to
save you or make you promises they can't deliver. What they will do
is “share their experience, strength and hope” and encourage you
along the way. The rest is down to you, your judgement and a Power of
your own understanding (whatever that might or might not be). In
other words you'll be treated like an adult with all due respect.
As for the “instant gratification” .. well maybe that's for
another day. Just for now being drink-free feels pretty good
doesn't it!
Cheers
The Fellas
(Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous ..... remaining stubbornly 'unrocketed' ..... and rather boringly sober)
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