“Hello
again,
Yes I
know, another email! I'm sorry but I haven't been able to stop
reading your website today. I've been in AA for over 6 years now and
have experienced many of the groups discussed in your blog. From the
Westway meetings, to Plymouth, to Vision for you (my sponsor
originates from them) to the Pacific Group.... I've been reading as
much as I can. …...
Last year
I was teetering on my breakdown and my home group was becoming more
and more of a chore to attend. All the old crap about keeping your
emotions and problems out of meetings still haunted me. I felt like a
failure for feeling this way. I had embarked on the first proper
relationship in my life and the consequences of not knowing how to
relate in one became apparent very quickly. I had no-one to turn to.
I didn't want to share in meetings about it, I didn't want to talk to
anyone about it, I trusted no-one. I kept this charade going.
Pretending I was dealing with it... the thing is, I’ve been doing
that ever since I came into AA. It started in the Road to Recovery
meetings.
Those
meetings have hindered so much of my development. Thank god I found
my partner and a very responsible and trustworthy therapist. Both him
and her have given me a real life not a pretend fantasy life. It's
that old cliché of - if you think it's so, then it will be it. What
a load of crap. Magical thinking eh. Not being able to cope with pain
was the bedrock of my recovery and the backbone of the R2R Groups...
What I mean by that is the R2R meetings were obsessed with good
upbeat stories, lots of smiles, lots of happiness, great chairs,
sparkly eyes, laughter, jokes...what they despised was reality,
problems, thoughts of suicide, drinking again, relapsing, money
worries, REAL LIFE ISSUES!! I got used to this. I liked it so much.
My life had been full of devastation and depression. So when I
entered these meetings it was only natural that I would fall under
their alluring spell. In the end the spell began to wear off. I
didn't fully wake up though... no, that happened last year.
My partner
used to be an investigative journalist and when we first got together
he challenged my thinking more than anyone had ever done. I was
living in a protective bubble fooling myself that I was living or
even happy. I was focusing on helping so many people and I put myself
always to the back of the queue. I was out 5 nights a week around
London meeting this person and that person. Then at the weekend I was
so exhausted that I would sleep from Friday to Sunday night before I
had to start it all over again. Working 40 hours a week also. It was
ridiculous... something had to give and it was me. I was signed off
work last year and started the hard and painful task of facing up to
real life. I'd been putting it off for years.
I probably
wasn't ready to read your blog then, but now I’ve got some sort of
life now which has meant I’ve been re-evaluating my relationship
with AA. What it means, where I go next, what's the road ahead? It's
tough actually. I still have those old tapes running around my head.
Even in my meeting I felt emotionally blackmailed into being the
'perfect' AA'er! Members would regularly say that they thought it was
disgusting when they found out people didn't do 12 stepping calls. Or
how effing rude it was if people didn't shake people's hands or make
an effort to talk. I found this judgement particularly hard to
swallow. I wanted to shout at this person (many decades sober too!)
to say, "what if that man/women had lost their family today??
And all they needed was somewhere to feel safe so they didn't drink?"
The bull that I heard in a lot of meetings really got to me.
It felt
more like a pub than a meeting. People joking with each other whilst
others shared. Silly giggling and snide remarks. I would watch the
expressions of newcomers and visitors. Some looked dumbfounded. They
didn't know whether to laugh or walk out. The people with mental
illnesses were also looked down upon. Tutting or general rudeness if
they disrupted the meeting somehow. Allowing people to be verbally
violent and aggressive in meetings and finding it funny was typical.
But love and compassion for someone who was obviously very sick was
lacking. I couldn't stomach it any more. Funny enough not one person
from that meeting ever checked to see how I was doing. I was one of
the so called 'star' group members. Not that I wanted that accolade.
So when I went off even sicker at …...... I heard nought, nothing,
nada! Fellowship my arse... the obsessive reminders of the need to be
part of a 'fellowship' is only ever on the group's or individual's
terms.
I've had a
mish-mash of experiences since I came into AA. Not all of them bad
and not all of them good. The jury is still out on my future in AA. I
still check in with some of the most vulnerable AA'ers and some of my
old sponsees. I just like to say I’m thinking of them now and again
so they know someone in the world is. Personally my health and …...
are my priorities right now. I've been incredibly absorbed in doing
life how others told me to do it. I'm interested finally in finding
my path and my way of life. I don't care any more if it doesn't
'satisfy' the elders. I haven't turned my back on AA but I certainly
won't be pushed into something I haven't considered.
What is
the future of AA? The cults have infiltrated so much the last 20
years with little apprehension. It's disturbing to think that the
problem has been left to fester like Japanese knot weed. And if you
have any experience with this weed you'll know that it slowly takes
over things and kills it without so much as a hello or goodbye. And
it's next to near impossible to destroy. I never knew what the word
Cult really meant, I always assumed it was of an extreme murderous
nature. But then when I’ve watched how innocuous and subtle certain
personalities can be and what devastation they leave I’m under no
illusion that the Westway, Ealing, Greenwich, Plymouth, Bristol and
the notorious Pacific Groups are all poison.
Will York
or New York Head Quarters do anything? Can they do anything? It's
scary to think that our most vulnerable individuals in society are
out there being abused and used as we speak and no-one is doing
enough to help them.
Keep up
the great work, all the best …..”
(our
edits)
Our
response:
"Hi....
Again
thanks for the emails. …........ And thank you for the Share
extracts. We were aware that Happy Dennis is a frequent if somewhat
saccharine contributor to them (as well as the Plymouth gang etc) [so
much so that perhaps Share magazine should be renamed the Plymouth
Road to Recovery Echo!]. Lastly we are always happy to receive
information about people's experiences of the cult groups. It serves,
in some instances, a cathartic function when you know who you are
communicating with has been through the same sort of stuff. A lot of
AA members still don't grasp the implications of what these people
are up to – but we're getting there!
Your
experiences are by no means unusual for those who have had prolonged
exposure to the cult meetings. The subtle - and sometimes not so
subtle - manipulation does become very wearying after a while. And
they are fundamentally dishonest 'showcases' for recovery without any
corresponding depth or breadth of message. It is vitally important
that people attending AA meetings feel they can be honest about what
is going on in their lives – good, bad or indifferent. AA should be
a liberating experience for everyone and yet in the cult meetings
this is the last consideration. A script has been written for you and
you'd better not ad lib it – or else! As for the future …....
that's really in our hands. Either we take responsibility for our
conduct – individually and collectively – or AA will simply fall
apart. For our part we're pretty optimistic although we think it's
going to be a bit of haul getting there. We look forward to hearing
from you in the future........”
Cheers
The Fellas
(Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)
(our usual
thanks to our correspondent)
