Yes …
the humble rock..... Who would have thought it! But we have to
confess to a certain lack of originality here. The first time the
concept of a Pet Rock surfaced was in the 1970's in California (now there's a
surprise!). But (as with all works of genius) sometimes the full
implications and ramifications are not always immediately apparent,
and it was only after some considerable meditation upon the subject
that it struck us there were considerable advantages to be gained by
having a rock as a sponsor as opposed to a human power - especially
of the cult variety. Here are but a few:
RELIABILITY
Firstly -
rocks are remarkably reliable. They hardly ever fail to be where
they're supposed to be. Take Ayers Rock in Australia for example.
It's been around for absolutely ages and can always be found in
almost precisely the same spot. But can you say the same for a human
sponsor? They are always moving here and there, maybe doing a bit of
'ducking and diving' … you can never find them when you want to …
and when you don't want to … guess what ….. they always turn up
don't they! Of course this kind of rock is not particularly mobile
and it would be very much the case of Mohammed going to the mountain
etc! But then there's always a down side isn't there? That's life
though ain't it!
CONSISTENCY
Again
rocks come out well ahead on consistency. Of course there are always
going to be a few exceptions (like pumice etc) but by-and-large your
granitic types tend to hang around in pretty much the same form for
aeons. Diamonds in particular are well known for their durability. So
come on girls! Not only can they be your best friend but they can
also be your sponsor too!
SOBRIETY
Have you
ever come across a rock that's worse the wear for drink? We rest our
case!
SERENITY
Again …
have you ever seen an angry rock or one that's lost its temper (we
don't count legendary rocks by the way – as in the Odyssey)! Again
we rest ….
THEY DON'T
GIVE ADVICE
In all of
recorded history there has not been one single (credible) instance of
a rock that answered back or gave unsolicited advice. Go and talk to
your rock and you can be guaranteed a receptive silence for as long
as you want!
PATIENCE
Rocks are
well renowned for their generally patient and forbearing nature. No
matter how long you want to rant, blame, moan or generally go into
one........a rock will NEVER walk away!
HONESTY
A rock
never tells lies (well except for Fools' Gold of course – but then
the lie actually exists in the eye of the beholder!)
CONFIDENTIALITY
You'll
never find a rock gossiping or telling tales (not even under the
guise of “checking with their sponsor” ….. well obviously their
sponsor would be another rock of course – and the mother lode
probably! So it wouldn't really count!)
DEFECTS OF
CHARACTER GENERALLY
Of course
all rocks have their FAULTS (geddit!) but by and large you won't find
one that's selfish or envious.... or even greedy! Yep! You'd have to go a long way even to find a lustful rock of any description!
PORTABILITY
With the
obvious exception of the above and other assorted sizeable aggregates
(eg. the Alps, K2 etc) rocks can be portable and even worn around
your neck …. mind you it sometimes feels like that when you've got
a cult sponsor! Of course we would be more than happy to supply
(through our subsidiary “Rocks to Go” - a not-for-profit
corporation) an array of rubble set in some most attractive clasps
and settings. For the more discerning amongst our clientèle we can
even provide special custom leather bound limited editions which can
be shown off to great effect when attending meetings. We also
provide (and included in the price) a full set of instructions on how
to use your rock: workbooks, guides and the like (between you and
us there's no real need for any of this stuff but the presentation
pack looks so much better when it's filled with all this accessory
junk.....plus you can in fact pick up a rock anywhere! But for some
reason people feel happier when they've paid an arm and a leg for their stone!
One born every day eh! But good business for us)
SHAPES AND
SIZES
Naturally
rocks come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, colours, textures and
densities ….... their geomorphology really is quite outstanding.
Some even glow in the dark! Now you can't do better than that can
you? Be honest! Who can say the same with a cult sponsor! But they
all look the same (that fixed manic grin as they chant in unison:
we're happy, joyous and free.... suited and booted and ALWAYS BUT
ALWAYS on their BESTEST ever behaviour – or in public at least (who
said performance art was dead!) ....... STRAIGHT out of 'Clones R Us'....
Nah! Not even in the same league! With a rock you get something of
substance, something original, something unique, something durable
….. and …... excellent company at a ROCK concert!
And so on
ad infinitum. We could extol the virtues of the rock till the cows
come home! But don't take our word for it! Take the plunge! We dare
you! Get out there and find yourself a rock! You'll never look back –
we GUARANTEE it!
BUT
REMEMBER! A ROCK IS FOR LIFE AND NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS!
Cheerio
The Fellas
(Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous …. and …... all naturally
occurring, homogeneous inorganic solid substances having a definite
chemical composition and characteristic crystalline structure,
colour, and hardness ...... everywhere!)
