THE SPONSORING GAME

VOICEOVER: Welcome to…The Sponsoring Game! (play Dating Game music)

Let’s meet today’s potential sponsors! First, Sponsor #1. She’s a Big Book thumper originally from Missouri whose hobbies include making newcomers do multiple sets of push-ups , please welcome Edna Hardassia! (applause)

Sponsor #2 has a black belt in Kama Sutra, he’s originally from Niagara Falls and his hobbies include the art of sponge bathing . Please welcome Lenny Lamour! (applause)

Sponsor #3 goes to meetings, works the steps and works with others, please welcome Keisha Simple! (applause)

And now the host of the Sponsorship game, Dea—con Bleeding!

HOST: Good afternoon everyone. I’m your host, Deacon Bleeding. Our game is a novel way to hook up AA newcomers with sponsors.. Our contestant will not be able to see the potential sponsors but will ask them a series of questions and then choose whom they feel is the appropriate one. So, let’s play The Sponsoring Game!

Our contestant today is a newcomer who just finished time in a rehab and is eager to get started working the Steps. Let’s hear it for Fran Newbie!

(Fran enters and sits)

HOST: So , Fran you are looking for a sponsor?

FRAN: That’s right, Deacon. I just got out of a spin dry and I want to start working the program.

HOST: Well, then let’s get started! You know the rules of our game, Fran. You will ask our potential sponsors a number of questions and when time is up you get to choose whom you feel would make the best sponsor. First off let’s have them say hello to you. Sponsor # 1 can you say hello to Fran?

SPONSOR #1. I COULD IF I CARED!

HOST: All right. Sponsor #2?

SPONSOR #2: (sexily) Hi Fran. Oooh, that is a sexy name. Check this out, baby: If sobriety is what works for you then cast your vote for number 2.

HOST: Does anyone else suddenly feel like they need a shower? Anyway, Sponsor #3, say hello to Fran.

SPONSOR #3: Good afternoon, Fran. It’s very nice to meet you.

SPONSOR #1: OH, QUIT SUCKING UP ALREADY YOU’RE MAKIN’ ME SICK!

HOST: All right , Fran let ‘er rip!

FRAN: Okay, Sponsor number 1…

SPONSOR#1: (cutting her off rudely) THAT’S MIZZ SPONSOR NUMBER 1 TO YOU, MISSY!

FRAN: I beg your pardon?

SPONSOR#1: YOU BETTER BEG YOU ! WHAT’S YOUR QUESTION I AIN’T GOT ALL DAY?

FRAN: Okay, Mizz Sponsor #1, if I called you and said that I was having a bad day and was thinking about drinking what would you say?

SPONSOR#1: WHAT KIND OF STUPID QUESTION IS THAT? FIRST OFF, I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT HOW BAD YOUR DAY IS SWEETHEART. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE REAL PROBLEMS. I WOULD SAY DRAG YOUR BUTT TO A MEETING AND QUIT WHINING.

FRAN: Oh----kay. Uh,…thanks..I guess. Um, Sponsor # 2?

SPONSOR #2: (in an Austin Powerish way) Yeah baby!

FRAN: Same question.

SPONSOR #2. Well, I would say if you are having a bad day to let me make it better. I’d start with my special bad day backrub.

FRAN: All right, sponsor #3 what about you?

SPONSOR#3. Fran, I would tell you that we all have bad days and I would agree with sponsor #1 in one respect and that is that a meeting would definitely be in order. I would pick you up and afterward we could get some coffee and talk some more.

FRAN: Great. Sponsor…uh, excuse me Mizz Sponsor # 1, I have heard about the 12 Steps but how would we work the 12 Steps together?

SPONSOR#1. FIRST OFF, YOU WOULD DO EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD TELL YOU TO DO. TAKE THE COTTON OUT OF YOUR EARS AND PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND YOUR EARS OPEN.READ THE BIG BOOK, THE WHOLE BIG BOOK AND NOTHING BUT THE BIG BOOK. GOT IT?

FRAN: Well…I…uh

SPONSOR #1: WELL SPEAK UP!

FRAN: I…um…well…

SPONSOR#1: OH, GO TO THE NEXT PERSON BEFORE YOU TICK ME OFF!

FRAN: Oh okay, Sponsor #2 same question.

SPONSOR#2: How would we work the Steps together? I’m glad you asked me that Fran. I think the operative work you used was “together”. We would (makes quote-unquote signs with fingers) “work the Steps” comfortably, passionately, SAFELY, and when we were done you would be completely satisfied.

FRAN: Thank you…I think. Sponsor #3 your turn.

SPONSOR #3: Fran, I would just share the simple program of recovery as laid out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. We would go step by step and would be careful to be as willing, as thorough and as honest as possible.

FRAN: Thank you. Okay Mizz Sponsor #1 I have heard people in meetings say that it is a good rule of thumb to avoid getting into romantic relationships for the first year: how do you feel about that?

SPONSOR#1: I SAY NO RELATIONSHIPS WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT ME FOR THE FIRST FIVE YEARS! IF YOU ACT UP, I’LL TACK ON A COUPLE MORE YEARS!

FRAN: Number 2?

SPONSOR #2: Let me tell you something, Fran. You’ve heard of the 12 Traditions of AA, right?

FRAN: Yes.

SPONSOR: Well, those are the “big T” Traditions. This whole no relationship thing in the first year is a “little T” Tradition that probably started with some prude who wasn’t gettin’ any. I say get it while it’s hot, baby!

HOST: Now there’s an AA slogan I’ve never heard before!

FRAN: Sponsor #3, what do you think?

SPONSOR #3: Fran, I think there are no real rules when it comes to sponsorship. This is simply a suggestion brought on by member’s past experience like attending 90 meetings in 90 days which some have found to be helpful. I try to be flexible when sponsoring someone, but I don’t spare them the truth if I feel they are making or about to make a huge mistake.

FRAN: All right. Mizz Sponsor #1 look at Sponsor #2 and tell me what movie character best sums up what he would be like as a sponsor?

SPONSOR#1: (looks at #2) “FORREST GUMP”!

FRAN: Fair enough. Number 2, what movie character sums up what kind of sponsor #1 would be?

SPONSOR # 2: (looks at #1) Um…The terminator?

FRAN: Uh, thanks. Sponsor # 3 why don’t you do the same thing but about yourself?

SPONSOR # 3: The movie I’d pick would be “My name is Bill W.” because I just try to pass on what was passed on to me. Go to meetings, work the steps, read AA literature including the pamphlet “Questions and Answers on Sponsorship”, get a home group, get involved in some sort of service, and stay honest, open, willing, and teachable. Most importantly, to just take it one day at a time.

SPONSOR #1: SHOW-OFF!

HOST: Okay Fran, question time is up. You’ve heard their answers and now it is time to choose. You think about who you want to pick as your sponsor while we go to a commercial break. We’ll be right back after this!

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COMMERCIAL HOST: Are you tired of your sponsor always telling you what to do? Do you wish that just once you could turn the tables on your sponsor and be the one in control? Well, now you can! (pulls out controller, puts antenna up and presses buttons) Introducing…RoboSponsor! (RoboSponsor walks out robotically) That’s right! This incredibly lifelike android comes fully assembled and ready to roll! Now you can be the one calling the shots! How many times have you secretly dreamed of hearing your sponsor say things like this?: (presses buttons)

ROBOSPONSOR: I’m going to take the cotton out of MY ears and put it in my mouth.

COMMERCIAL HOST: Or this? (presses buttons)

ROBOSPONSOR: You don’t need to call me anymore, I’ll just call you.

COMMERCIAL HOST: Or even this? (presses buttons)

ROBOSPONSOR: I don’t know what the heck I’m talking about.

COMMERCIAL HOST: That’s right, years of sponsorship fun is now at your fingertips. And if you call within the next 10 minutes we’ll throw in our patented Humiliation Microchip which makes your RoboSponsor do embarrassing dance moves like this: (presses buttons)

Riverdance! (RoboSponsor riverdances)

Moonwalk! (RoboSponsor moonwalks)

Breakdance! (RoboSponsor breakdances)

So call 1-800-GET ROBO right now!

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(dating game music)

HOST: Welcome back to the Sponsoring Game. Fran, it’s time for the moment of truth. Are you going to pick Sponsor #1, Sponsor#2 or Sponsor #3? 
 

(waits a beat while audience yells out different numbers)

FRAN: Well, Deacon it was a very hard decision but since Sponsor #1…

SPONSOR #1: THAT’S MIZZ SPONSOR #1 YOU MORON!

FRAN: MIZZ Sponsor #1 sounds like my mother and Sponsor #2 sounds like my ex-husband, I’m going to pick #3!

HOST: Number 3! Okay, Fran before you meet your new sponsor let’s meet the two you didn’t pick.. First Mizz Sponsor #1 is Edna Hardassia!

(Sponsor #1 doesn’t move but sits there with an annoyed look on her face)

HOST: Um,…I said Edna Hardassia!

(Sponsor #1 still doesn’t move)

HOST: Uh,…is there a problem, Edna?

SPONSOR#1: I DO NOT COME TO SPONSEES, THEY COME TO ME!

HOST: Um, well okay, whatever…here then is Sponsor #2 Lenny Lamour!

(Sponsor #2 walks around the partition and hugs Fran and won’t let go)

HOST: All right, that’s good Lenny. You can let her go now. Come on, buddy! (peels him off) GET OFF!

Sponsor #2: Give me a booty call anytime, Fran!

HOST: Now it’s time to meet your new Sponsor Fran. She feels her past full of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization is now her greatest asset as she tries to stay sober one day at a time. Here she is , Keisha Simple!

(dating game music)

(Sponsor #3 walks around the partition and hugs Fran)

HOST: Okay, Johnny where are we sending these two?

VOICEOVER: It’s not a destination it’s a journey. A journey filled with laughter, tears, pain, and victory all encompassed in the wonderful fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Fran and Keisha we shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then!

HOST: That’s all the time we have today on the Sponsoring Game. Before we go we’re going to blow a big Keep It Simple Stupid Kiss. (Fran, Host and Keisha lean back and blow a kiss)

(dating game music)

THE END

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

PS Our thanks to the member (with the particularly warped sense of humour) who sent this in to us