I've never had a bad day

My earliest encounters with the Vision cult were in the late 1980's. I occasionally attended a meeting in Collingham Gardens near Earls Court tube. This meeting was called the "Joys of Recovery". I would hesitate to call this meeting a cult. The Vision cult didn't really exist back then - it hadn't fully developed yet. But the "Joys" was certainly a prelude to things yet to come. There was also a meeting at Pont Street in Knightsbridge on a Monday night. David B, founder of the Vision cult, and his band of followers could be found at both these West London meetings. They were a distinctive presence. David would sit at the back of the room chain smoking, surrounded by a coterie of eerily smiling young men, each with a somewhat vacant and far-away expression on his face.

David B was infamous for claiming that he had never had a bad day. "I got sober in 1975 and haven't had a bad day since". he proclaimed robustly. Many were impressed by this outlandish statement, including, I must admit, myself. His confident manner seemed full of conviction and gratitude, and a refreshing change from the "me, myself, and my misery" brigade (as I then called them) that one could hear at some other meetings. I thought those meetings were boring, lack-lustre and uninspirational. Back then I was long on demands and expectations from others, and short on patience, tolerance, love and understanding. I was what is referred to in the AA literature as a "bleeding deacon". I wanted everyone to be "well" according to my definition of well, and my definition of well was that you must always feel happy, and never feel sad. Life was either black or white, never both. This is a false expectation and analysis of course. It lacks humility, understanding and acceptance of the human condition.

Many people found David B to be annoying and dishonest. Whatever one's opinion, he certainly had the knack of grabbing attention. "David says that because he wants to show you how grateful he is" explained a very over-dressed lady at the Joys meeting. "Isn't he simply wondrous, darling" she added. Yes, indeed, there were definitely strong elements of showing off and attention seeking going on at Collingham Gardens in the late 1980's.

In the years since I left Vision, and grew up, I have reflected on this phrase "I have never had a bad day". Of course, our literature, including the Big Book, does not promise us that we will never have a bad day. The Big Book states that we will "know a new freedom and a new happiness". But that is not the same thing as saying that "we will NEVER have a bad day" No one can make such a promise. And thereby lies the issue. NO ONE can make such a promise. Also no one can verify if the person proclaiming to "never have had a bad day" is actually telling the truth. I shared it myself at Vision several times and I know that, deep in my heart, it just didn't feel right. I felt I was pretending in order to impress. I felt I was engaging with a deception. I stopped saying it and felt all the better for not doing so.

My later experience in recovery has left me with the realisation that the hype "I've never had a bad day" is nothing more than a confidence trick and a mechanism for controlling others.

And this is how it works: - You tell me that you have never had a bad day. Now this grabs me, and makes me feel that I am missing out on something. Like all human beings, I sometimes experience fears and insecurities, and this phrase "never had a bad day" seems to highlight my own inadequacy, real or imagined, in the face of your perfection. So I begin to turn to you for comfort and guidance, and, if you are convincing, charming and persistent enough, (and I am weak, uninformed, and unable to resist), I willingly allow you to take over and manage my life so that I can be like you - supposedly never having a bad day. Thus begins my new life of co-dependency upon you. Of course you have to keep telling me that you have never had a bad day or the whole illusion will rapidly evaporate. So, in a way, you are trapped too. And on and on it goes - a seemingly helpless cycle of dependency and control. And all based upon exaggerations, dishonesty, insecurity and attention seeking. And it can go on for years.

If I am lucky the cycle will be broken. Thankfully this happened in my case. I now know that I am just an ordinary bog standard human being and we humans experience good days and bad days. Even the most exalted among us - Queen Elizabeth II for example - is known to have the occasional bad turn. In fact I recall Her Majesty having an entire year of truly awful days in 1992 - her "annus horribilis" as she herself called it. Most people recognise that good days and bad days are part of the normal ebb and flow of life. It is only emotionally immature addicts, who, like spoilt children always looking for self-gratification, need every day to be perfect, and everyone, including themselves, to be flawless. It has been my experience that cult members, and their sponsors, are really no more happy than the rest of us. Within the environment of the cult they have developed a neurotic compulsion to project an image and narrative about themselves in which they must never be seen as anything less than perfect. Cults like Vision harness this pride and delusion, and use it to make members feel good about themselves. Trying to "feel good" by engaging with an illusion is exactly what addiction is all about.

For me real recovery is about moving on from such fantasies and illusions. "The attempt to avoid legitimate suffering lies at the root of all emotional illness" writes Scott Peck, author of "The Road Less Travelled". And the Big Book talks about the "certain trials and low points ahead" (AA page 15 "Bill's Story). "No pain, no gain" as the saying goes, and to a large extent this is true. Of course some pain, like physical pain for example, can be relieved by the services of a good doctor. But emotional pain is not so easy. Emotional pain is not optional. It is part of the natural and unavoidable processes of life.

But emotional pain also nudges me into a sacred task - to love and accept myself; to care for myself; to nurture my recovery, and to be honest and true to what I really believe. Furthermore the AA Program gives me permission to access a Higher Power (or Powers) of MY understanding, and thereby gain strength and wholeness from this unique spiritual and healing relationship.

Cults like Vision don't allow people to grow up and move on. They psychologically trap and imprison people. They marginalise the concept of a healing, loving and liberating Higher Power to the status of an "also ran", or even less. Rather they focus on the false idols of a sponsor and a group. This is part of the reason they are so dangerous and damaging. One of the most poisonous effects of my involvement in Vision was that it distracted and obstructed my relationship and understanding of my own Higher Power. Why bother accessing and getting to know my Higher Power better, when all I need do was ring up a cult sponsor and he would tell me what to do, say, think, feel or even believe. Talk about personal Higher Powers, or God as I understand that term, was certainly not liked at Vision. It was always "my sponsor said this" or "my sponsor said that" or "my sponsor told me to do this". I think the worst one for me was "my sponsor said it doesn't matter who or what my Higher Power is". Well, actually it does matter very much to me! The Big Book clearly says it has to make sense to the newcomer (AA page 93 "Working with Others") and that is should be a Power of my own conception and understanding (page 47) and not a human power (page 60 and pages 99/100). Cult Sponsors who tell their sponsees it doen't really matter what their Higher Power is are presenting themselves as a higher power by default. The Big Book clearly asks us to think carefully about these matters and ask ourselves what spiritual terms really mean to us as individuals.

In my experience cult sponsees become effectively infantilized by their controlling sponsors. Cult sponsors become isolated, narcissistic, grandiose control freaks; emotionally petrified individuals whose chief satisfaction in life is to seek out fully compliant victims for their compulsive need to control. Over time they build up hierarchical groups of regimented clones centered around an unaccountable chief sponsor or guru, and his subordinates. And all this under the cover of "helping others".

These cult sponsors can become arrogant and intolerant in the extreme. I remember a leading member of the Vision cult telling me that he thought intolerance was a good thing. He meant it. He was attempting to justify himself cross-sharing some guy who had shared in a meeting that he was going through a difficult patch. This happened about 10 years ago. I really didn't want what this individual (whom some call the "Icon") had back then, and I want what he has even less now. I actually feel sorry for him. It is truly tragic that someone who came to AA looking for help, was subsequently mesmerized by a sick personality (David B), and ended up so frigid and narrow in outlook, and with all the outward sensitivity and emotional development of a dalek.

Over time some of these cult sponsors can even become abusers and violent bullies. These grossly puffed-up individuals are looked upon as infallible demi-gods in their home groups. Meanwhile, back in the real world, they are committing adultery, or beating up on their girlfriend in private. Or posting puerile insults and libellous lies on internet forums and social network sites. Or within AA they are threatening other AA members who dare to challenge them; or who have the temerity to obstruct their plans of increased empire. Others are prone to temper tantrums and fits of rage. I personally witnessed one of David B's temper tantrums after a group conscience didn't go his way. Read the aacultwatch site for further details of the behaviour of these criminal dry drunk little monsters.

It doesn't have to be that way. Ironically, and happily, my life has been so much better OUTSIDE the cult, and their shallow "I've never have a bad day" cult-speak. In fact I've come across much more balanced and naturally happy people within the mainstream of AA.

Today I try to accept life on life's terms. It really isn't such a big deal for me any more. I don't need to impress anyone. I am free, and I mean REALLY free. I simply stay sober by not picking up a drink one day at a time, I trust my Higher Powers, and I try to live life to the full. Life is not a never changing formula written on a prompt card to be followed rigidly. Life is a constantly changing process of growth, balance and wholeness. It has light and dark. Bright colours and shades of grey. Good and bad. Happy and sad. Heat waves and cold spells. High points and low ebbs. Frivolity and reflection. Good humoured laughter and sorrowful weeping. And much, much more besides !

Enjoy the journey of a free and sober life !

Love and Light to you ! T.S.

aacultwatch forum

(Our usual thanks to this AA member for their contribution)