“Thank
you for your reply,
When you
mentioned the term 'ex-cult members', it made me realise that I have
never told you my story around all this - you might find it useful
for either the website or your own information.
Having
been in contact with AA for about six weeks, I had my last drink on
December 30th, 1989. I am an accountant and have worked on a
semi-freelance basis since the late seventies.
The first
meeting I attended was in Kingston-Upon-Thames in Surrey in November
1989. My memory isn't what it used to be, but, for whatever reason, I
have no difficulty in remembering my first meeting, or seeing my
doctor with regards to my drinking - I remember the latter, because
it was the day the Berlin Wall came down. My doctor suggested I
attended a few AA meetings and see if I liked what I saw. After
stalling on the idea for a while, I went into Kingston on a Tuesday
evening and attended an AA meeting in the Quaker Hall on Eden Street;
this meeting no longer takes place here, but now at St. Luke's
Church, Gibbon Road (also in Kingston). A man called Bob (who would
eventually become my sponsor) gave me his number (all landlines back
then), and invited me back the following week.
Some time
after this, I began doing some contract work for a friend's company,
so was travelling to his company's office in Elvaston Place, SW7 on
Mondays and Wednesdays. I was informed, by someone within my local
meeting, that there was a meeting in the Scottish Episcopal Church on
Pont Street on a Monday night. From here, I was encouraged to attend
a meeting in Collingham Road the coming Wednesday. As both meetings
were very close to my office at the time, I couldn't think of a
reason not to. I was two months sober or so at the time and felt that
it would help. By this point, I had heard talk of sponsorship and the
steps in the meetings I had been to so far but felt it was better to
get my feet on the ground in AA before venturing in that direction.
There was
a much larger crowd in this and the Pont Street meetings than in
Kingston and Staines where I had previously attended, but I figured
that, as we were in Central London, this was inevitable. I walked
down to the crypt and sat to the side of the speaker's table, facing
inward. the rest is all a blur but I remember people asking me for my
number. I remember at my first meeting people gave me their numbers -
at this one they asked me to give mine. I didn't find this
particularly ominous at the time. One thing I did notice was that the
sharing was somewhat harmonious, somewhat seemingly word-for-word. I
didn't share in this meeting; nevertheless I went home, glad for
having been to a meeting.
Things
became slightly awry when, at around six o'clock the following
morning, I received a telephone call from a man called David (whom I
now understand to be David C)[aka “The Icon” – see site for
more info] telling me he was calling me on the advice of his sponsor.
I asked him what I could do for him (I, for a moment, thought he'd
been pointed in my direction because of an accounting query!) his
response was "I was just told to call you". That was pretty
much it. After a brief exchange of how-are-you-s, the conversation
was over, with my wife and our young son dishevelled after being
awoken abruptly. I was working at home this day, and as the morning
went on I shrugged off the incident and carried on with my day,
before receiving a telephone call from an individual called John C
which essentially took the same course. I got a third call that day
from someone whose name I can't remember (who was also quite new into
the programme), and thought this was all rather odd and maybe there
had been some sort of mistake and that they thought I was someone
else.
I
continued to attend both meetings, as well as the Tuesday meeting in
Kingston and occasional others in my area and decided that this man
called Bob (who passed away in 2001) was the man I wanted as a
sponsor. Shortly after this, I attended the Vision meeting one
Wednesday and I was asked if I had a sponsor yet. I affirmed and said
the name 'Bob the Beard' (as was his name). The people I spoke to did
not know who he was, thus insisted that it would probably be best if
I found a sponsor from this meeting. Before I could answer, I was
'paired up' with this man called Tony and was informed he would
sponsor me. I declined the polite offer and went home after the
meeting. The next morning I got the usual 'phone calls (albeit later
in the day after I asserted six o'clock was too early). This is where
things became conspicuous: I was asked what I had been up to so far
that day. My response was that I had been doing accounting work all
morning. My 'correspondent' seemed quite surprised that I hadn't got
on my knees that morning and prayed, or that I hadn't called a
newcomer that day, or that I hadn't called my sponsor. I ended the
'phone call feeling like I'd been slapped in the face and decided to
call my own sponsor to discuss this. My sponsor asserted that, seeing
as his physical health prevented him from getting down on his knees
anyway it would be wrong of him to tick me off for not doing so. By
the next day I had disregarded the whole thing.
Six months
into my sobriety, my wife left me. She decided that she wanted to
make a fresh start in her home town in Staffordshire. In spite of my
emotional upset, I remained sober and the divorce procedures were
relatively smooth and we sold the house and I moved to a smaller
house in Ashford, Middlesex. On some days I found this more difficult
than others and embarked on a series of counselling sessions. At
Collingham Road one Wednesday I shared towards the end of the meeting
that I was struggling with the emotional side of the divorce and that
I was receiving counselling and asserted that I had not felt like
drinking in this time thanks to my Higher Power, and this set off a
number of murmurs from those in attendance. Once the meeting ended I
got up to head for the toilet and was literally grabbed by the arm
and was told by David C and one other that I shouldn't be sharing
about my emotions in the meeting. Two more 'Joys' folk joined this
and one man called Paul asked me why I was seeing a counsellor when I
had a 'so-called sponsor' who would perform this duty for me. I told
him that it was, in fact, my sponsor who suggested I began
counselling. I was then told that I was being fed a watered-down
version of AA, and that I would never be well if I continued this.
"Great", I thought, "I've been attending AA for six
months only to find I'm not going to get well". I told them that
I would continue the counselling for the time being, at which point a
man called Tony told me that I was "probably going to turn up
next week, pissed out of my fucking head" (quote). The next
morning I spoke to my sponsor and he was genuinely shocked and I was
sickened. I shortly received a verbal amend from David C, which he
read off a piece of paper.
I never
attended the Collingham Road meeting after that, but, about three
years later (and long after my contract in SW7 expired), I was
informed that a meeting had been formed in Eaton Square after some
individuals had left the Joys meeting. I decided to attend, thinking
that maybe these people had left for the same reason. This was around
1994 and I recognised some of the people there and got talking to a
few. I only attended this particular meeting on occasion (maybe once
a month) until around 2001, when I moved away to South Wales. I also
attended the infamous Richmond meeting between 1998, the year of its
creation, and when I moved. It was attended by four men in
particular: John B, Donald, 'Billy the Post' and a man interestingly
known as 'Skittles' and their sponsees. I also attended Kingston Hill
(now Hampton Wick)[Hampton Wick Friday – to be distinguished from
the Monday and Thursday AA meetings at the same venue]. These were
very similar to the Joys meeting, but, from my observation, less
intrusive (or so I thought). These men had attended the Joys meeting
and Donald and I had kept in contact during my 'sabbatical period'.
What I didn't realise was that these meetings had a similar agenda of
both sponsorship idolatry and dictated meeting structures. There were
strong links between these people and David C (from the Joys) with
his sponsees, among others Happy Dennis and Rupert (later sponsored
by Donald). I remember Rupert being told not to pick up his young
children from an after-school activity because he needed to be at the
meeting an hour early. David C said the only thing he could do was to
leave them waiting until after the meeting to be picked up, as his
sobriety depended on him being an hour early for the meeting.
I lived
and worked in Cardiff, whilst attending meetings until 2006, when I
returned. The only times I left Wales were to visit my son over
Christmas and his birthday, and to attend my sponsor's funeral in
Hampton Court in 2001. I moved back to Twickenham in 2006 to find
nothing had changed. Rupert had set up a meeting on Twickenham Green
on a Thursday called 'One Primary Purpose' (possibly called such as
an aim to condition the sharing, but it would appear to be a
mainstream meeting with no involvement from Rupert these days), and
the Tolworth meeting had also been formed. I have attended both
meetings in my time. The Tolworth meeting worried me more as I heard
that Newcomers were being assigned sponsors from this meeting,
regardless of where they were in their voyage into AA at the time.
I still
attend Richmond and Hampton Wick on occasion, more for observation
than anything else. For my recovery I prefer meetings in Teddington,
Twickenham and Staines. I have not had a sponsor since Bob died in
2001, but I have many friends and confidantes within AA with whom I
can share and seek advice.
I'm sure
none of this is new to you, but you may find it useful for background
or your stories section.
Best
wishes as always,
R..........”
(our
edits)
Comment:
none required
Cheerio
The Fellas
(Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)
