Missing a moral 'compass'?

Have you ever encountered members who seem to have completely mislaid their ethical or moral 'compass' (if they ever had one in the first place)? You know the type ….. they'll happily lecture everyone else on how to practise the programme 'right' and then do the precise opposite themselves. People like David B (founder of the Joys of Recovery and its various offshoots - didn't have a sponsor but insisted everyone else had to have one!), David C (took over the reins after the welcome demise of David B - a grade A religious bigot and control freak – last seen down El Cerrito way spreading the 'disease'!), Wayne P (sponsored by Clancy – a serial philanderer – he seems to have a big problem keeping his trousers on), Clancy (Pacific Group - likes to play the big shot with a sideline in shaming others … in other words … a thug!), Wally P (a serial monogamist who runs Back to Basics – a nice little earner), Joe and Charlie (Primary Purpose – yet more control freaks who liked to bore AA members into recovery with their incessant lecturing), Mike Quinones (serial sexual predator who ran the Midtown Groups – also sponsored by Clancy) not to mention AA's innumerable (and growing) army of recovery 'experts' eagerly mimicking their efforts as they busily rush about organising AA (?) 'workshops', churning out yet more audio files on so-called 'fast track' recovery, each one desperately seeking the attention of anyone with a few bucks to spare, and the poor judgement to pass them in their direction...... You have! We thought so ….. And then you must have wondered what kind of guy would behave like that? What must possess them? Are they stupid? Or are they just sick.... or sicker than the rest of us? Well wonder no more …. all will be revealed – specifically Narcissistic Personality Disorder DSM-5 (pp. 9-10)

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

PS An update on our new campaign to be published shortly …. we've been very busy behind the scenes!

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (contd)

“NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder, is a condition where the narcissism is an integral part of the person’s personality. Therefore, drunk or sober, the person will display excessive self-absorption, an over-inflated sense of self, and feel that he deserves special treatment. He will show no empathy for others and will always put his needs above the needs or concerns of everyone else. Always. A person with NPD will exhibit these same characteristics even after years of not drinking. Abstinence does not make them disappear.

Alcoholic selfishness has many of the same characteristics while a person is using. Many alcoholics demand to be the center of attention, put their needs above their families’, and they strongly deny that their behavior is a problem. The use of many drugs, including alcohol, does indeed produce feelings of over-inflated sense of self. That is one of the reasons they use- it makes them feel more confident. However, when the addiction to alcohol is resolved, the individual will no longer exhibit those characteristics because the traits of narcissism aren’t a part of his typical personality.

Sometimes alcoholism is co-diagnosed with NPD. That does not mean that all alcoholics are narcissists, although they certainly may have some narcissistic traits. Until the issue of alcohol addiction is resolved, it may not be clear whether the alcohol was causing NPD traits or whether the person is indeed a narcissist...........”

Source: http://thenarcissisticlife.com/what-are-the-differences-between-narcissism-and-alcoholic-selfishness/

Cheerio

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

PS To use “comment” system simply click on “Comments” tab below this article and sign in. All comments go through a moderation stage

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (contd)

Some insights into cult member traits.

“Selfishness and Narcissism in Family Relationships

Narcissism as a psychological definition is typically seen as self-involved attitudes and behavior where there is little or no empathy for others. Narcissistic wounding starts early in life to children whose parents are insecure, abusive, addictive or have narcissistic patterns themselves.

Narcissistic injury happens to the child when his or her emotional needs are not met. The narcissistic parent has unresolved needs for attention and caretaking because his or her needs were not met in their early life. Neglect, physical, mental and sexual abuse, being spoiled and not given structure and limits create the wounding. Narcissism can be an inflated ego sub part or the trait can take over the personality. Narcissistic attitudes and behavior come from the ego defenses that function as smoke screens to hide the deep shame and fractures that came from being hurt emotionally or physically as a child.

The child who was not allowed to have boundaries becomes energetically and developmentally arrested at this level with beliefs of not being safe in the world and being unworthy and unlovable. Thus the Shadow is born with the defenses and negative core beliefs becoming set in the child's repertoire. The child carries this primitive, self-defense core of fear even into adulthood. This is called the "Core Script" or Core Identity, which is like a big lens of perception by which the world is viewed. The defenses remain lurking in the unconscious mind ready to be called into action at any resemblance of threat.”

Source: Lynne Namka © 2005

Cheerio

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

PS Our thanks to the member who sent us this article

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (contd)

Some insights into cult member traits.

"More Data About Pathological Narcissists

• Most narcissists (75%) are men.
• NPD (=the Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is one of a "family" of personality disorders (formerly known as "Cluster B"). Other members: Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.
• NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders ("co-morbidity") - or with substance abuse, or impulsive and reckless behaviours ("dual diagnosis").
• NPD is new (1980) mental health category in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM).
• There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there is has not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional predilection to NPD.
• It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD.
• Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud. Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon, Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.
• The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.
• There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions - from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.
• Narcissists are either "Cerebral" (derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) - or "Somatic" (derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and "conquests").
• Narcissists are either "Classic" - see definition below - or they are "Compensatory", or "Inverted" - see definitions here: "The Inverted Narcissist" -
• NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioural). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication is applied to side-effects and behaviours (such as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) - usually with some success."

Source: A Primer on Narcissism, Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

Cheerio

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

PS Our thanks to the member who sent us this article

Conference Questions (2013) forum discussion (contd)

Committee No. 5

Question 1:

a) Would the Fellowship discuss and share experience of disabled AA members suffering progressive diseases who require a full-time professional carer to accompany them in their AA Home Group meetings?
b) Would the Fellowship discuss the implications within Tradition 12 of the professional carer attending meetings, thus enabling the disabled group member to continue to attend the AA meeting of their choice?
c) Would the Fellowship discuss and make recommendations on how best the special needs of disabled AA members who need professional carers might be met in closed AA meetings?

Background

1. The Information Sheet on AA Special Needs Organisation in the United States:

''SPECIAL NEEDS / ACCESSIBILITIES COMMITTEES''
Some A.A. entities are attempting to meet such needs by forming Special Needs-Accessibilities Committees.
Since the goal is to make A.A. accessible, some committees refer to themselves as Accessibilities Committees. In some localities committees name themselves according to the specific need addressed, such as "Hearing impaired" committee".
When one or more members of an A.A. group have special needs (such as the need for American sign language interpreter or *wheelchair accessibility, or has an illness which prevents them getting to the meeting room or needs special physical help, i.e., getting to the toilet during the meeting, A.A. members from that Group will see their needs are met.
The Members of Special Needs Committees explore, develop and offer resources to make the AA message and participation in our AA PROGRAM AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE WHO REACHES OUT FOR IT.
A G.S.O. Staff member who serves on the Special Needs Assignment is available as a resource and communicates with the local Special Needs Committees. In the interests of good communication and working together, Special Needs Committees are encouraged to keep their area Committees and local central/intergroup informed of their activities.
It is also helpful to work closely with committees handling Public lnformation and co-operation with the Professional Community in terms of keeping the public and appropriate agencies informed about A.A. BEING ACCESSIBLE TO ALCOHOLICS WITH SPECIAL NEEDS.

2. This has been a local experience:
My Home Group has a long term female AA member with 24 years unbroken sobriety who suffers from a progressive disease.
She is unable to walk and has to use a wheelchair. She has valiantly attended her home group meeting regularly for some years since it was first started. She is an ex Journalist, in possession of a brilliant mind which is unaffected by her illness, but unfortunately, she is physically trapped in an extremely poorly functioning body.
When her health deteriorated she made a request to the members of her Home Group, which is a Closed Meeting, for permission for her Professional Carer to be present. There was minor dissent within the Group and the question could not be resolved as it was said that it only takes one member to raise an objection.
This incident has raised very serious, broader present and future issues for ALL AA Group members who may develop a serious progressive disease and who would eventually need a Carer present in the AA meetings.

[See also: The Traditions, Preamble and Concepts]

“It seems some groups have forgotten AA Traditions and are now on rule making benders with dictators making their own rules up as they go along. Regarding ….....'s and …......’s experience of a minority being able to veto a group conscience decision to make a meeting open, there ought to be no such veto rules in AA groups. This question raises the sort of situation that Traditions and Concepts are supposed to prevent. Over the past two decades I have participated in more group consciences and business meetings than I care to remember. I have never heard of one alcoholic or a minority in an AA group having absolute power to veto the majority vote. I have also read AA literature relating to AA Traditions, Concepts and history more times than I care to remember. I have not yet read anything to suggest that one alcoholic or a minority in an AA group can have absolute power to veto a group conscience decision. The veto rule is the reverse of the democratic principles in Traditions Two and Nine. Minor proposals can be decided by a simple majority vote, major or controversial proposals are best not carried unless there is a two-thirds majority in favour. Either way, the guide to the group conscience ought to be the AA Traditions, group guidelines and Concepts. Adhering to these principles ought to be the overriding factor in any group decision, not based just on the intellectual or emotional froth that bubbles up in alcoholics' heads when they think about what might be the right thing to do. The decision taken by majority vote and no minority in the group has power to veto the majority. If there is discussion on whether the matter ought to be settled by a simple or a two-thirds majority, then this could be decided by simple majority vote.

Referring to "Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age" appendix E:b “THERAPEUTIC MECHANISM OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS” by Harry Tiebout M.D., [and see here] I don’t think AA can afford to have groups who exclude alcoholics by pandering to the self-centred desires of those who display the typical alcoholic personality characteristics described by Dr. Tiebout “ a narcissistic egocentric core, dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent on maintaining at all costs its inner integrity...” If groups do pander to these narcissistic egocentric cores and in so doing allow them to exclude other alcoholics from AA group membership, then AA will have lost its therapeutic mechanism. I think in this case the therapeutic mechanism of Alcoholics Anonymous was lost, both for the physically disabled alcoholic with her need for a professional carer; and for the dissenting minority of mentally ill narcissistic egocentric cores in the AA group who objected to the presence of her carer in a meeting.

The way I see this incident is that in a healthy AA group the request for a professional carer to be present ought to have been resolved in relation to AA Traditions with little debate being necessary. The overriding factor of Tradition Three is clear: “Our membership ought to include all who suffer from alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover….” (Tradition Three (Long Form) Based on this principle the AA group ought to allow the physically disabled alcoholic’s professional carer to be present; it may not refuse. End of debate.

I think the group ought to get a grip on the status of the “minor dissent within the group.” In my view they represent the “senators” and “arch deacons” in Tradition Two or the “tyranny of very small minorities invested with absolute power” in Concept V. The presence of a professional carer in an AA meeting does not mean the closed status of the meeting need be changed to the status of a fully open meeting. I think the minor dissent within the group ought to be told about Traditions Two and Three; then if they don't agree, they can be left to become the “bleeding deacons” in Tradition Two if they try to cling on to their power. If this is done, then the “bleeding deacons” might leave the group, or according to Tradition Two they might sooner or later work themselves into such an resentful mental twist that they will get drunk, having had their narcissistic egocentric cores suitably deflated, chewed up and spat out by the majority. Or having accepted AA Tradition and the authority in the group conscience, they might grow through their painful experience of deflation to become more tolerant and compassionate beings to other AA members who may be less fortunate in physical or mental health than themselves. If this is not done then the mental illness in the narcissistic egocentric cores is likely to spread to make the whole of AA rotten. It happened to the Washingtonian Movement. It nearly happened to AA in the 1940s. This is why Traditions were written to guide AA group policy. So called “trusted servants and “elder statesmen” in the group ought to be taking their responsibility for turning the “senators” and “arch deacons” into “bleeding deacons;” otherwise they’ll continue to turn other alcoholics away from AA. In the experience of AA Traditions and Concepts, the narcissistic egocentric cores of the “senators” and “arch deacons” won’t bleed unless they’re made to. (Tradition Two, Concept IX)”

Cheerio

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

See also AA Minority Report 2013

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (contd)

Some insights into cult member traits.

“The basic trait of the Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type is a pattern of overtly narcissistic behaviours (that) derive from an underlying sense of insecurity and weakness, rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem."

The Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type:

• Seeks to create an illusion of superiority and to build up an image of high self-worth [Millon];

• Strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack of a feeling of self-worth;

• May "acquire a deprecatory attitude in which the achievements of others are ridiculed and degraded" [Millon];

• Has persistent aspirations for glory and status [Millon];

• Has a tendency to exaggerate and boast [Millon];

• Is sensitive to how others react to him, watches and listens carefully for critical judgement, and feels slighted by disapproval [Millon];

• "Is prone to feel shamed and humiliated and especially (anxious) and vulnerable to the judgements of others" [Millon];

• Covers up a sense of inadequacy and deficiency with pseudo-arrogance and pseudo-grandiosity [Millon];

• Has a tendency to periodic hypochondria [Forman];

• Alternates between feelings of emptiness and deadness and states of excitement and excess energy [Forman];

• Entertains fantasies of greatness, constantly striving for perfection, genius, or stardom [Forman];

• Has a history of searching for an idealised partner and has an intense need for affirmation and confirmation in relationships [Forman];

• Frequently entertains a wishful, exaggerated and unrealistic concept of himself, which he can't possibly measure up to [Reich];

• Produces (too quickly) work not up to the level of his abilities because of an overwhelmingly strong need for the immediate gratification of success [Reich];

• Is touchy, quick to take offence at the slightest provocation, continually anticipating attack and danger, reacting with anger and fantasies of revenge when he feels himself frustrated in his need for constant admiration [Reich];

• Is self-conscious, due to a dependence on approval from others [Reich];

• Suffers regularly from repetitive oscillations of self-esteem [Reich];

• Seeks to undo feelings of inadequacy by forcing everyone's attention and admiration upon himself [Reich];

• May react with self-contempt and depression to the lack of fulfilment of his grandiose expectations [Riso].

Speculative Diagnostic Criteria for Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of self-inflation, pseudo-confidence, exhibitionism, and strivings for prestige, that compensates for feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as indicated by the following:

• Pseudo-confidence compensating for an underlying condition of insecurity and feelings of helplessness;

• Pretentiousness, self-inflation;

• Exhibitionism in the pursuit of attention, recognition, and glory;

• Strivings for prestige to enhance self-esteem;

• Deceitfulness and manipulativeness in the service of maintaining feelings of superiority;

• Idealisation in relationships;

• Fragmentation of the self: feelings of emptiness and deadness;

• A proud, hubristic disposition;

• Hypochondriasis;

• Substance abuse;

• Self-destructiveness.

Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder corresponds to Ernest Jones' narcissistic "God Complex", Annie Reich's "Compensatory Narcissism", Heinz Kohut's "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", and Theodore Millon's "Compensatory Narcissist".

Source: Millon, Theodore, and Roger D. Davis. Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV and Beyond. 2nd ed. New York: Wiley, 1996. 411-12.”

Cheerio

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

PS Our thanks to the member who sent us this article

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (contd)

Some insights into cult member traits. 

“How to cope with a Narcissist?

Answer:

No one bears any responsibility whatsoever for the narcissist's predicament. To him, others hardly exist – so enmeshed he is in himself and in the resulting misery of this very self-preoccupation. Others are hangers on which he hangs the clothes of wrath, of rage, of suppressed and mutating aggression and, finally, of ill disguised violence. How should the persons nearest and dearest to the narcissist cope with his eccentric vagaries?

The short answer is by abandoning him or by threatening to abandon him. The threat to abandon need not be explicit or conditional ("If you don't do something or if you do it – I will desert you"). It is sufficient to confront the narcissist, to insist, to shout back. The narcissist is tamed by the very same weapons that he uses to subjugate others. The spectre of being abandoned looms large over everything else. Every discordant note assumes the monstrous attributes of solitude, abandonment, and the resulting confrontation with his self. The narcissist is a person who is irreparably traumatised by the behaviour of the most important adults in his life: his parents. By being capricious, arbitrary, and sadistically judgmental – they moulded him into an adult, who fervently and obsessively tries to recreate the trauma (repetition complex). Thus, on the one hand, the narcissist feels that his liberation depends upon re-living these experiences. On the other hand, he is terrified by this prospect. Realising that he is doomed to go through the same harrowing experience over and over again, the narcissist distances himself from the scene of his own pending emotional catastrophe. He does this by using his aggression to alienate, to humiliate and in general, to be emotionally absent. This behaviour brings about the very consequences that the narcissist so derides. But, this way, at least, the narcissist can tell himself (and others) that HE was the one who controlled the events, that it was truly fully his choice and that he was not surprised. The truth is that, governed by his internal demons, the narcissist has no choice to talk about.

The narcissist is, therefore, a binary human being: the carrot is the stick in his case. If he gets too close to someone emotionally, he fears ultimate and inevitable abandonment. He, thus, distances himself, acts cruelly and brings about the very abandonment that he feared in the first place. In this paradox lies the key to coping with the narcissist: If he has a rage attack – rage back. This will provoke in him fears of being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so total that it might seem unbelievable. Narcissists are known for these sudden tectonic shifts in mood and in behaviour patterns.

Mirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words. If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house – leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level – because that is where he permanently is. Faced with his mirror image – the narcissist always recoils.

We must not forget: the narcissist does all these things to foster and encourage abandonment. When mirrored, the narcissist dreads imminent and impending abandonment, which is the inevitable result of his actions and words. This prospect so terrifies him – that it induces in him an incredible alteration of his behaviour. He instantly succumbs and tries to make amends, moving from one (cold and bitter, cynical and misanthropic, cruel and sadistic) pole to another (warm, even loving, the sort of fuzzy, engulfing emotion that we feel on a particularly good or successful day).

The other way is to abandon him and go about reconstructing your own life. Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an absolute prerequisite to living with a narcissist. To cope with a narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which reduces the persons around the narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks. Who deserves such a sacrifice?

No one, to my mind, not even the most brilliant, charming, breathtaking, suave narcissist. The glamour and trickery wear thin and underneath them a monster lurks which sucks the affect, distorts the cognition and irreversibly influences the lives of those around it for the worse.

Others delineate a more sweeping dichotomous strategy. Both philosophically and pragmatically, we cannot and should not assume responsibility for other people and their lives. Narcissists are incorrigibly and notoriously difficult to change. Trying to change them is a bad strategy. The two viable strategies are either to accept them as they are or to avoid them altogether. If one accepts a narcissist as he is – one should cater to his needs. His needs are part of what he is. Would you have ignored a physical handicap? Would you not have assisted a quadriplegic? The narcissist is an emotional invalid. He needs constant adulation. He cannot help it. So, if one chooses to accept him – it is a package deal, all his needs included.”

Source: http://www.planetpsych.com/zPsychology_101/narcissism.htm 

Cheerio

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

PS Our thanks to the member who sent us this article

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (contd)

“Inferiors Wanted: Apply to the Narcissist

The narcissist is attracted to people that are inferior to him. Associating with these people makes the narcissist feel superior and confident that he can maintain his narcissist supply and control his supply. Although, he would like to socialize with the high status people whose names he frequently drops, these individuals will seldom tolerate the narcissist's inappropriate behavior for any length of time and in actuality these individuals evoke fear in the narcissist. People with a true sense of self, greater wealth, higher education, higher status, better looks, or greater intelligence make the narcissist anxious although he would never admit it. The narcissist feels a great repulsion for his equals. He sees these people as a possible source of narcissistic injury. He knows also that these people will not be around long because he is unable to hold their interest. His depth of knowledge in any subject is limited and his main topic of conversation centers on himself.

The narcissist preys on those that have a need for him and he exploits them endlessly. A homeless person who needs a home which the narcissist can supply is abundant prey for the narcissist. Those individuals whose intellectual pursuits are limited are easy victims. People who are inferior to him are easier for the narcissist to control and manipulate. He is better able with these people to be the center of attention--one of his main quests in life. As long as they have a need for the narcissist, he knows that they will be around to give him narcissistic supply.

The narcissist is completely aware that these people are inferior to him, but in order for him to associate with them he must give these inferiors special qualities. The elements of these qualities are not present, but are a part of the narcissist's fantasy world. The narcissist may assign to a drug addict a high IQ to prove to others that this individual is worthy of his association. Since the narcissist is a pathological liar by nature, he will back his tale up with some form of validation. He must be able to say, "I associate with him because..."

The narcissist must hear the words, "You are great, wonderful, funny, the smartest man alive." He knows that he will never hear these words from his superiors or his equals. But, if his inferiors need him for something, they will easily verbalize these words. He knows his inadequacies and he knows that he can't fool his superiors or equals for long.

The narcissist will also use his inferiors as a source for obtaining narcissistic supply. For instance, if someone is known to attract people that might be of benefit to the narcissist, the narcissist will befriend that person using him or her as a means to acquire narcissistic supply. A narcissist knows no limits when he searches for narcissistic supply and a narcissist is only in a state of satisfaction when he has narcissistic supply. Sadly, the tendency for the narcissist to secure narcissistic supply from his inferiors can make those living around the narcissist feel uncomfortable. A stream of undesirable characters is likely to flow through their life.

However, those that the narcissist secure as narcissistic supply do not always have to be inferior in statue. The narcissist seeks those that are gullible. They must be gullible enough to believe the narcissist's pathological lies, his self-aggrandizement, or must be vulnerable in some way that the narcissist will be able to use them to enhance his own needs. So the narcissist does not always use those of inferior statue as a supply. Therefore, there might not be the ever-flowing stream of undesirables, but individuals who are gullible or in some way enhance the ego of the narcissist.

The problem with being the narcissist's supply of adoration is that it does not come without verbal abuse and negation. In the end the narcissist will verbally abuse his supply in such a manner that if they do not need him excessively he will run his supply off. This is what the narcissist fears most--the lost of his supply. Unfortunately the narcissist is a narcissist and, therefore, is incapable of being anything but a narcissist. In the end he accomplishes what he fears most--losing his narcissistic supply. The narcissist is also so paranoid that it is difficult for others to withstand his paranoid episodes. All things considered, usually the greatest amount of time that anyone can take the narcissist's paranoia and the abuse dispensed by the narcissist is two-three months. Then his supply needs a break.

It is not unusual for the narcissist when he realizes that he is losing his supply to change courses. He might mimic actions which indicate that he cares about the supply in order to bring his supply back to him. The important word here is mimic. Since the narcissist's emotions are so deeply repressed, he does not know how to react consciously with his emotions. What he is reacting to is fear--the fear of losing his narcissistic supply. He has, however, watched others over the course of his life demonstrate emotion. Therefore, he might say certain words or behave in such a manner that indicates he has emotions. These are only transit periods and should not in anyway be taken to mean that the narcissist is demonstrating genuine emotions for his supply. His supply will always be just an object. Objects can easily be thrown away and he knows this. But, it is much easier for him to keep a supply than it is for him to go out looking for another source of supply. He simply wants to bring his supply back into his control. Then the vicious cycle will begin again.

The narcissist seeks to evoke reactions in others. The narcissist's supply does not always have to provide him with positive attention. If the narcissist is able to invoke negative emotions in someone then that is fine with him. As long as he can trigger an individual to respond to either his behavior or his verbalizations then he is satisfied. He desires attention whether it is positive or negative.

The narcissist is not in touch with his emotions. Therefore, he does not care how he hurts others. He does not see others as human beings with feelings and needs. He has no empathy for others and cares only for himself. The narcissist never completely lets go of any individual he has found that can provide him with narcissistic supply until he finds that he can no longer stir up any type of sensation in that person whether it be positive or negative. Only then will the narcissist let go. Or, if the narcissist finds a better source of narcissistic supply he will quickly throw you away.”

Source: Say no to Narcissism

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (contd)

“Behaviors of the Narcissist

If you have reached this page then you have an interest in NPD. By now you've probably surfed through numerous web pages. Some of these pages were understandable, some were complicated, and some were intellectually challenging.

Listed below is a list of behaviors, moods, and defense mechanisms used by the narcissist that will make understanding NPD easier. Parts of this list are based on the five-factor model of personality for Compensatory NPD.

MOODS

1. Chronic (long term) negative effects: anxious, fearful, tense, irritable, angry

2. Rapidly shifting moods: a narcissist's mood changes daily

BEHAVIOURS

1. Inability to control impulses: eating, drinking, gambling, spending money, etc.

2. Overly concerned about health (somatic: imagined illnesses): the narcissist is unable or refuses to stick to a diet, exercise plan or any other medical regime recommended for him by a physician (except in the case of pill taking). A narcissist usually adheres to taking meds recommended but this doesn't take much effort on his part.

3. Excessive talking: leads to inappropriate self-disclosure as well as exposure about anything he knows or preceives about others

4. Evokes fear in others: the web of mystery that the narcissist spins around himself makes others leary of him

5. Inability to spend time alone: he doesn't care who he spends time with just so he isn't alone

6. Overly dramatic presentation of emotion: could well be known as the "drama" queen or king (negative emotions), exaggerates the importance of his experiences

7. Inappropriate attempts to dominate and control others: a narcissist is demanding, expects to be treated "special," and thinks everyone should immediately stop what they are doing to do what he wants them to do

8. Selfishness: he thinks of himself first, gets what he wants, and the heck with anyone else

9. Lack of practicality: a narcissist does not know what the word practical means

10. Jealous and envious: ridicules the achievements of others

11. Paranoid thinking: inability to trust friends or family. A narcissist has a tendency to trust people he has just met and tends to be paranoid about people he should trust.

12. A sense of time urgency: is impatient

13. Socially rebellious and does not conform to societal expectations: may lead to problems with the law or cause vocational problems

14. Quarrelsomeness: ready to pick a fight at any time. The narcissist wants attention whether it is positive or negative so quarreling is as good a way to get attention as anything else.

15. Exploitive and manipulative: lies, is rude to others, verbally abusive especially to the opposite sex, alienates friends, hold on to your money

16. Inflated and grandiose sense of self: arrogant

17. Shallow: in depth conversations are impossible with a narcissist. The narcissist's conversations center around himself.

18. Attention seeking: wants to be the center of attention and will do anything to achieve this (may dress in a different or absurd way or behave ridiculously)

19. Lack of interest in and empathy with others: don't expect him to feel sorry for you no matter what he does to you

20. Narcissistic rage: directed toward anyone who injures an NPD individual's self-esteem

21. Underachievement: poor academic performance relative to ability or vocational functioning

22. Infidelity: has difficulty remaining with one partner sexually

23. Assumes the identity of those with whom he associates: since he does not have a true picture of his self, he assumes the morals, values, and beliefs of others. A narcissist will change morals, values, and beliefs overnight; if it benefits him in some way.

24. Lazy: expects others to do for him what he could do for himself

25. Does not accept blame: blames everyone else for his problems

26. Irrational beliefs: unrealistic expectations of others to fill the needs of the narcissist, perfectionist demands on self (a narcissist usually tries so hard to be perfect he bungles everything up), unwarranted pessimism about everything and everybody

27. Fantasizes: preoccupied with fame, wealth, and achievement. The narcissist acts out his fantasy through words or actions.

28. Problems with aging or disabilities: a narcissist has difficulty with being confined

29. Loves his reflection: expect to see a lot of mirrors hanging in the narcissist's house

30. Entitlement: believes that everything is due them. The narcissist just doesn't think the rules apply to him

31. Hit and run relationships: the narcissist tends to go through relationships rapidly--a narcissist can only hold it together for 3-4 months tops”

Source: Chandra Alexander

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The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

PS Our thanks to the member who sent in this extract

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (contd)

An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:

· Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

· Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

· Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

· Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply);

· Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations;

· Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

· Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others;

· Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her;

· Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.

Summarized from:

American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

Comment: Sounds familiar!

Cheerio

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)