An alternative to AA's “20 Questions”: You know you're a drunkard when … (contd)

You take pub crawls very literally

Some bastard always manages to slip a Mickey Finn in your 30th drink

You complain to friends that you “got really sober last night”

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

Questions and Answers on Sponsorship (contd)

The AA (General Service conference approved) booklet: Questions and Answers on Sponsorship

Extract:

“Should a sponsor lend money to a newcomer?

This is, of course, a matter of individual judgement and decision. Involved in it is the basic fact that A.A. has a single purpose: to help alcoholics with their drinking problem. A.A. is not a philanthropic or job-finding society.

Money, or the lack of it, has never been a key factor in an individual’s ability to get sober in A.A.

The sponsor who lends money to a newcomer does so at risk and may even be slowing down the new person’s progress toward sobriety. The newcomer who turns to A.A. for money, clothes, or assurance of employment is coming to the wrong place for the wrong thing. A.A. has something far more important to offer: sobriety.

Professional agencies can furnish other kinds of help if any are needed. But many alcoholics when sober can solve their own domestic, vocational, or legal problems.”

Comment: Are you nuts! And who's got any money to lend!! Thanks to the unswerving dedication of bankers everywhere to the principle of 'who can bury their snouts into the profits deepest' followed by the consequent ruination of economies worldwide the answer to the question: “Buddy can you spare me a dime?” can generally be answered with a resounding 'no'! On the other hand alcoholics can equally well be said to be extremely generous when it comes to providing lifts to meetings, a chat in a cafe over a cup of tea and lending an empathetic ear. As for the statement “many alcoholics when sober can solve their own domestic, vocational or legal problems” we would substitute the words “all alcoholics can solve...”. They have to. It's no one else's responsibility”

But remember: a sponsor is NOT ESSENTIAL to recovery. And NO sponsorship is better by far than BAD sponsorship!

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

(to be continued)

Conference questions (2014) – almost! (contd)

“32. More and more AA groups are being denied their basic right of membership in local Intergroups. This action also denies them participation in Region and Conference. Can Conference please clarify this situation and give advice so that minorities in AA are no longer banished from our Service/Conference structure and that their conscience is heard?

Background

When these groups have asked the assistance of Conference in the past they have been told “it’s a local issue” and up to the “conscience of those concerned”. When the Conscience of those concerned deal with it, by forming new local Intergroups GSO & GSB refuse to recognize them, thus making it a National issue.

Conference 2012, Committee 5, Question 2 says that by being part of the group conscience and valuing the importance of love, tolerance and the right to participate, we can best strengthen the unity of the Fellowship.

Concept 1 states ‘The final responsibility and the ultimate authority for AA world services should always reside in the collective conscience of our whole Fellowship’. Clearly not being carried under these circumstances.

Concept 4 states ‘Throughout our Conference structure, we ought to maintain at all responsible levels a traditional “Right of Participation,” taking care that each classification or group of our world servants shall be allowed a voting representation in reasonable proportion to the responsibility that each must discharge.’ There is no vote for a member whose home group is denied participation by his Intergroup. What if a group were to say to a member, you are not allowed to vote because you disagree with us.

Terms of Reference No. 6/7 Important topic to the Fellowship as a whole but these issues must be handled and dealt with at a local level”

Comment: This question, of course, refers essentially to the Bournemouth Road to Recovery group who've tried to join pretty well every intergroup in the area, and have been comprehensively knocked back on each occasion. They then attempted to form their own intergroup – Wessex – whose creation, it would seem from the above, didn't meet with universal approbation. As usual the cult groups and their members love to play the 'victim' when they can't get their own way. It's always everyone else's fault if other people won't play ball. “It's not fair”, they cry when AA members, groups and intergroups refuse to put up with their brand of manipulation and outright bullying. But just try and join one of their groups as a member and you'll be expected to jump through all sorts of hoops before you 'make the grade'. You'll have to get a sponsor (from either within the group or one approved by the hierarchy. In some instances you'll even be assigned one – so not much choice there either!). Naturally you'll be expected to do “exactly what your sponsor says” (you won't find any such requirement in any AA literature – especially not in the AA conference approved pamphlet Questions and Answers on Sponsorship!). Failure to comply will lead to sanctions ranging from general disapproval (shunning etc) to summary execution (nah! Just kidding!) …. to 'sacking' with effective expulsion from the group. Attendance at your home group meetings will, of course, be mandatory. Again failure to comply will lead to a serious inventory being taken of you by your new 'Higher Power' the all-powerful, all-knowing SPONSOR. Additionally you will be expected to hit specified 'recruitment targets', ie. ring two newcomers each day (whether they want to be contacted or not) together with an assortment of other 'rules' and 'regulations' (oops sorry - 'suggestions') which will have to be obeyed to the letter. Failure will not be tolerated. Any backsliding will be met with the stern reminder that you had agreed to “go to any lengths”, these being determined by … guess who? Yep! You got it! Your SPONSOR! So is it any wonder that the AA groups in the area won't have anything to do with this bunch of power driven crazies. Would you? We think not!

See here for a full list of other questions that didn't quite get through the 'filter'

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

How A.A.'s World Services Grew (Part 2), June, 1955, Bill W

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How A.A.'s World Service Grew (Part 1), May, 1955, Bill W

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Continuing with our 'mapping' theme......

A member sent in the following document which outlines an interesting technique for getting to grips with various concepts (not those Concepts!) employed in AA.

Mapping Your Steps: “Twelve Step” Guide Maps, Sia TL, Dansereau DF, Dees SM, Inst of Behavioural Research, Texas Christian University, 2002

Comment: To all AA 'gurus', Big Book 'experts', and sundry 'personalities' out there – do try and resist the temptation to turn this into yet another study course! AA members are really quite capable of figuring this stuff out for themselves

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

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The use of the Lord's Prayer in AA meetings

Extracts from the aacultwatch forum (old):

“To my knowledge there are no meetings here in England that use the Lord’s Prayer. The Lord’s prayer is a specifically Christian prayer and is found in the Bible in the Gospel according to St Matthew. The words are from Christ where, during the sermon on the mount, he instructs his followers what words to use when praying. There can really be no argument about the Christian religious nature of the Lord’s Prayer, coming from Christ himself!

I have visited the USA on a number of occasions and I did encounter this prayer used to conclude meetings I attended in the American deep south...... I don’t really have a problem personally with the Lord’s Prayer. The sentiments expressed in the prayer itself seem fairly admirable, expressing transcendence, requesting our daily needs (“daily bread”), and the desire to not be a hypocrite (forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us). Deliverance from evil seems a sensible notion. However the fact remains that this prayer belongs to a specific religion and is therefore sectarian. It is my understanding that Muslims are forbidden to call God “Father”, and many pagan “wiccans” ….... believe in a Goddess (earth mother) not a male God, so the use of this prayer at AA meetings is sectarian, exclusive and goes against Tradition 3.

I would also like to say that there are other prayers used in AA that really stretch this Tradition, perhaps to breaking point. For example there is a meeting in Twickenham on Monday that uses the St Francis Prayer. “Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace” - the so-called “Step 11 prayer”. Again the sentiments expressed in the prayer are admirable. However the “Lord” referred to at the very beginning of the prayer is Jesus Christ, and is a reflection of Christ’s words – “peace I leave you, my peace I give you”. Also the prayer itself was most certainly NOT composed by St. Francis of Assisi (a 13^th century catholic saint). The prayer does not date further back than the 20^th century and was promoted in catholic mass books having been approved by Pope Benedict XV, Pope from 3 September 1914 to 22 January 1922. For more information about this prayer use the following link,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prayer_of_Saint_Francis

In my opinion, considering the catholic Christian origins of this prayer , it should not be imposed on any AA member by a group or a sponsor, although individual AA members are free to use the prayer or not, each according to his or her own conscience.  The fact that it is contained in the 12x12 does not mean that it is mandatory for all AA members working Step 11, as the prayer is used in the essay on Step 11 as an EXAMPLE of reflective meditation. It is not exclusive or mandatory. Other prayers could be used . Again, as the AA literature says – each one of us has our own individual journey in spiritual matters. Let each AA member deicide for his/her self what prayers to use, or not to use, and not have groups/meetings/sponsors imposing denominational prayers upon us.”

(edited to preserve anonymity)

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

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Addiction research

Addiction Medicine: Closing the Gap between Science and Practice, National Centre on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, June 2012

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An alternative to AA's “20 Questions”: You know you're a drunkard when … (contd)

If you died, went to Heaven and found out it was dry, you’d casually inquire:

“So, what’s the deal downstairs? They serving or what?”

When the guy at the door yelled, “Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,” you assumed it was someone bringing more supplies

You inform the arresting officer that gravity is the only law you feel compelled to obey

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

Questions and Answers on Sponsorship (contd)

The AA (General Service conference approved) booklet: Questions and Answers on Sponsorship 

Extract: 

“How can a sponsor work with an alcoholic’s family? 

“The sponsor can explain the A.A. program to a spouse, partner or relative, and point out that most members have found it easier to live a life without alcohol when their relatives took an interest in A.A., became familiar with A.A. literature, and attended open meetings of a local group.

In general, the sponsor can help the alcoholic’s family give the newcomer every chance to make good in A.A. and can urge the family not to expect too much, too soon, from the recovering alcoholic.

In some cases, family relationships have slipped seriously as a result of the alcoholic’s behaviour while drinking. The sponsor should not act like a professional counsellor in such situations. However, many threatened relationships have been saved once the primary problem of alcoholism has been brought under control, and the sponsor can point this out.

The sponsor will also want the family to know about Al-Anon Family Groups and Alateen, (and for the US) made up of relatives and friends of alcoholics — alcoholics who may or may not be in A.A.

The Al-Anon program parallels A.A.’s but Al-Anon is an entirely separate fellowship. It helps relatives of problem drinkers to understand the illness and its effect on family life. In Alateen — a part of Al-Anon — teenagers who have alcoholic parents share their own experiences. Local groups of Al-Anon and Alateen meet regularly in many communities, where an Al-Anon listing often

appears in the phone book.”

(our emphasis)

Comment: Or if you're a member of a cult group leave the poor buggers alone! They've usually had quite enough of sick alcoholics to last a life time! The Plymouth Road to Recovery gang even had the temerity a number of years ago (or so we are told) to try it on with Alanon in their area offering to 'sponsor' (would you believe!) Alanon members. It was quietly 'suggested' to them that they go forth and multiply! It's a pity that advice is not forthcoming more frequently.....

Remember: a sponsor is NOT ESSENTIAL to recovery. And NO sponsorship is better by far than BAD sponsorship!

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

(to be continued)

A Timeline History of Alcoholics Anonymous

A well illustrated account of the origins and development of Alcoholics Anonymous

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

Our thanks to the member who drew our attention to the above

The thugs running the show! Hampton Wick Friday

Extracts from the aacultwatch forum (old):

“Interesting reading …..., I wonder if you've ever been to Hampton Wick? Don't get me wrong, most of the people who share at that meeting carry a good message of recovery, service and hope, but I was wondering if you had come across a chap called Billy McN? I know he used to do Tolworth Newcomers, but now he does Hampton Wick and Richmond Tuesday. If anyone is a cult thug it's him: he's a salesman by trade, and you can hear in his sharing that he sells the message well. He gets a lot of people asking his sponsorship because of his 'sales pitch'. He often shares about being spiritual and trying to help others, but once he's your sponsor, it's completely different. He has proved himself to be an incredibly angry, sick, controlling man. Newcomers listen to his share and want what he's got, but, the truth is, what he shares is NOT what he has got! I have personally been on the receiving end of some of his abuse as a newcomer, all because I wasn't 'phoning two newcomers each day! I mean, he wasn't even my sponsor! He will happily label other members of AA as 'sick' or 'half-measures' or 'not on the program', but never looks at himself. Worst of all, he consciously bullies both newcomers and members who he considers 'easy targets', and if any of them dare to stand up to him, or tell him he's upset them, he just tells them things like "I don't care, you're the one with the resentment, it's not my problem".

I am very sorry to say that he is incredibly influential, and, due to his high number of sponsees, more and more people are indoctrinated with his view of AA, which is 'you are going to drink and die because you don't call your sponsor every day!' My friend …...... was standing-in as secretary at Hampton Wick some weeks ago, and he dared to suggest that reading the Q&A on Sponsorship leaflet was a better option than speaking to Sponsorship Co-Ordinators (of which he is one), and Billy charged at him from the other end of the room, pulled him to one side and told him to 'stick to the script'! …..... withdrew from the Richmond Tuesday meeting completely (after Billy took over the group conscience and selected the new officers himself, rather than let the group decide) …....

The ego has landed, and he's at Hampton Wick!”

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

“Alcoholics Anonymous” (preliminary draft)

Alcoholics Anonymous

We were recently sent a copy of the above. This draft was intended for circulation to other alcoholics and interested parties for the purposes of eliciting feedback prior to publication of the 1^st edition of the book “Alcoholics Anonymous”. You will note the considerable differences between the two reflecting the suggested amendments. Fortunately for the future fellowship these latter were all for the better.

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

Meet The Non-Alcoholic Trustees, November, 1951, Bill W

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Conference questions (2014) – almost! (contd)

“31. Could the ‘View details’ section of ‘Find a Meeting’ on the Alcoholics Anonymous GB website give more information?

Background

There is little information apart from the start time. If more details could be included the newcomer would be better informed when deciding which meeting to attend.

In some areas this would be useful for visitors who may want a meeting with a similar format to their home group.

Tradition 5 ‐ ‘Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers’.

Ideally, the website should give as much detail as is required to enable groups to do this.

Information could include the following

What time the doors open, not just the start time

The time the meeting ends

If the group go on to another venue to socialise

The type of meeting e.g. whether it follows the AA principles, the 12 Steps, Big Book, sponsor

Whether it is a discussion, topic, speaker or other format meeting

Terms of Reference No. 7 Referred to Electronic Communications Committee”

Comment: aacultwatch (as usual already ahead of the curve on this one!) includes on our site a number of Cult Where to Finds. We offer this as a service to both AA and cult members (the former lest they run the risk of running into a room full of fanatics, the latter that they wander into an AA meeting by accident and have to endure the authentic AA message and have their programme 'diluted'). These are:

Cult Where to Find (GB)

Cult Where to Find (US)

Cult Where to Find (Rest of the world)

In the groups listed above you will discover a newly designed fellowship, one in which 'personalities' take precedence over 'principles' (ie. the all-seeing, all-knowing, omnipotent SPONSOR ie. the cult 'Higher Power'), where the traditions operate (but sporadically, and only when it's convenient!), where words count for far more than action, where hypocrisy reigns, and whence the truth fled long ago. So if you're looking for a well polished performance this is the place for you. On the other hand if you want to get well in the company of ordinary human beings - who make mistakes and don't mind admitting to them - try an AA meeting. You might be pleasantly surprised!

See here for a full list of other questions that didn't quite get through the 'filter'

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

Hampton Wick (Friday)

Extracts from the aacultwatch forum (old): 

“I've visited the Hampton Wick meeting and my impression is that it meets all the criteria of a cult meeting. As to a description of what constitutes such a meeting is I suggest you go the aacultwatch website. There is more than sufficient information there covering that particular topic. Or are you merely being disingenuous?  

…...... There is no mention of “sponsor” or “sponsorship” in the Big Book. So what book are you referring to? And what leads you believe that an AA meeting is “proper” simply because it is “by the book”. According to Tradition 5 (which you quote) each group is responsible only for carrying “its” message to the still suffering alcoholic (a message which incidentally may or may not be “by the book”). The only important criterion to be met as far as I'm concerned - within the context of an AA meeting - is that it provides a format where members may share their “experience, strength and hope” to the desired end. There is no requirement for conformity to - or the adoption of - any particular “template” of recovery, a fact of which cult groups and members seem to be largely unaware. One indicator of a cult meeting is the apparent bland conformity of the members' sharing. Real “spiritual” evolution is inevitably accompanied by the development of an independently minded individual who is able to communicate directly from their own experience as opposed to the mimicry which so frequently masquerades as such in cult meetings. The former is in fact “carrying their message”; the latter is merely “faking” it! (Incidentally there is no contradiction between a group having “its” message but individual members providing their own unique expression of it). With regard to “exchanging phone numbers” my experience in AA is that you MAY offer your phone number to someone else and they MAY take it if they wish. They are under NO obligation to respond in kind nor should they be manipulated into that position. AA offers a solution, it does not bargain for one (as in “Give freely of what you find and join us” etc). The tactic of asking for newcomers' phone numbers is something systematically employed by the cult (as is the practice of ringing two newcomers a day) to promote their pyramid selling scheme. With reference to your quotes from the Big Book (and yes I've read it as well) “brimming over....”, “something indefinable …..” can just as easily be signs of arrogance and even madness. The cult leaders I have met (and I've met a few) can all be said to be “brimming over” with something but it certainly wasn't with those particular qualities! As for “happy, joyous and free” (a much mangled quote employed widely within cult circles (along with the superficial rendering - “Misery is Optional” – yet another misquote from the book - and also the “Just for Today” card)) the actual context indicates that this is a supposition made as to what God's intention might be! Interestingly the following reference directly contradicts orthodox Christian values and indeed opposes these. viz. “We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears,.....” Simply because the writers did not support a belief does not render it untrue. Personally (and I'm not even a Christian) I would tend to place more reliance (though not necessarily) on a perspective that's been tested for two millennia than the opinion (and it is an opinion!) of someone who's just got sober!. As for the remainder of the quotes they are valid (insofar as they are accurately represented (and even occasionally put into practice by a minority of cult sponsors) but not that they cannot be faked!). Again the “Step Nine promises” you refer to are something of a cult fetish (and a cult invention - until a few years ago they were never referred to!) Anyone who has actually studied the basic text will know that “promises” as such are indicated throughout the book (including the title page). The obsession with the “Step Nine promises” is simply a tactic to “keep people in line” and under the control of their sponsor until they have been sufficiently well “indoctrinated” in cult 'sponsorship idolatry'.

The Hampton Wick (Friday) meeting as I understand it was set up by the guy alluded to previously by ….... ie. John B (a bully and a thug by all accounts, and who still attends the meeting). A friend of mine who visits the group on a semi-regular basis reports that this tendency is still very much in operation. They observed an incident there recently which indicates that all is sweetness and light UNTIL someone dares to steps out of line – then the boot comes down! In this case the person concerned was told to “toe the party line” in no uncertain terms by an individual called Billy M (another regular at the group – and with the same thuggish tendencies as demonstrated by John B - the former also associated with the Richmond Tuesday Ormond Road meeting). Moreover the group has “sponsorship co-ordinators” (whatever they might be) with the overall charge of female sponsorship being run by someone called Alex R (Plymouth R2R “reared” which in itself is hardly a recommendation given their documented record of trouble-making and abusive conduct in south west region). I've been told by a member that she instructs her sponsees not to even meet members of the opposite sex for coffee until they have reached a certain point in recovery. I'm curious to know by what 'right' she “instructs” anyone to do anything? Such a mode of conduct would seem to contradict your list of qualities ascribed to a “strong” (?) sponsor (or do you mean bully?) and this coming from the main female sponsor at the Hampton Wick meeting. Of course cult groups are all about image. Scratch the surface and the 'disease' laying just below is quickly exposed.

Your posts are indicative of the kind of dependency that is fostered by the cult group ie. dependency only nominally on a Higher Power but in practice on a sponsor, and which 'addiction' is propagated down the line by the sponsorship 'hierarchy system', which is then further replicated (quite incestuously) both within the group and then across the network of other cult groups in Great Britain. A sponsor is not essential or even necessary to “work the steps”. The notion (implied) that you cannot proceed through these until you have acquired such is self-evidently absurd. If that were the case then no one at all would have got sober in AA. If you are going to quote the book might I suggest you re-read it (and preferably without the 'guidance' of a sponsor) and apply some independent judgement to your analysis. You might be surprised to discover that little of what is presented as the “programme” at Hampton Wick in fact may actually be found in the basic text, and certainly not what passes for 'sponsorship' within that group!

Finally (and to quote David B – founder of the cult movement in Great Britain): “If it quacks like a duck, has feathers like a duck, paddles around in ponds like a duck, then it probably is a duck!” “

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

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THE SPONSORING GAME

VOICEOVER: Welcome to…The Sponsoring Game! (play Dating Game music)

Let’s meet today’s potential sponsors! First, Sponsor #1. She’s a Big Book thumper originally from Missouri whose hobbies include making newcomers do multiple sets of push-ups , please welcome Edna Hardassia! (applause)

Sponsor #2 has a black belt in Kama Sutra, he’s originally from Niagara Falls and his hobbies include the art of sponge bathing . Please welcome Lenny Lamour! (applause)

Sponsor #3 goes to meetings, works the steps and works with others, please welcome Keisha Simple! (applause)

And now the host of the Sponsorship game, Dea—con Bleeding!

HOST: Good afternoon everyone. I’m your host, Deacon Bleeding. Our game is a novel way to hook up AA newcomers with sponsors.. Our contestant will not be able to see the potential sponsors but will ask them a series of questions and then choose whom they feel is the appropriate one. So, let’s play The Sponsoring Game!

Our contestant today is a newcomer who just finished time in a rehab and is eager to get started working the Steps. Let’s hear it for Fran Newbie!

(Fran enters and sits)

HOST: So , Fran you are looking for a sponsor?

FRAN: That’s right, Deacon. I just got out of a spin dry and I want to start working the program.

HOST: Well, then let’s get started! You know the rules of our game, Fran. You will ask our potential sponsors a number of questions and when time is up you get to choose whom you feel would make the best sponsor. First off let’s have them say hello to you. Sponsor # 1 can you say hello to Fran?

SPONSOR #1. I COULD IF I CARED!

HOST: All right. Sponsor #2?

SPONSOR #2: (sexily) Hi Fran. Oooh, that is a sexy name. Check this out, baby: If sobriety is what works for you then cast your vote for number 2.

HOST: Does anyone else suddenly feel like they need a shower? Anyway, Sponsor #3, say hello to Fran.

SPONSOR #3: Good afternoon, Fran. It’s very nice to meet you.

SPONSOR #1: OH, QUIT SUCKING UP ALREADY YOU’RE MAKIN’ ME SICK!

HOST: All right , Fran let ‘er rip!

FRAN: Okay, Sponsor number 1…

SPONSOR#1: (cutting her off rudely) THAT’S MIZZ SPONSOR NUMBER 1 TO YOU, MISSY!

FRAN: I beg your pardon?

SPONSOR#1: YOU BETTER BEG YOU ! WHAT’S YOUR QUESTION I AIN’T GOT ALL DAY?

FRAN: Okay, Mizz Sponsor #1, if I called you and said that I was having a bad day and was thinking about drinking what would you say?

SPONSOR#1: WHAT KIND OF STUPID QUESTION IS THAT? FIRST OFF, I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT HOW BAD YOUR DAY IS SWEETHEART. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE REAL PROBLEMS. I WOULD SAY DRAG YOUR BUTT TO A MEETING AND QUIT WHINING.

FRAN: Oh----kay. Uh,…thanks..I guess. Um, Sponsor # 2?

SPONSOR #2: (in an Austin Powerish way) Yeah baby!

FRAN: Same question.

SPONSOR #2. Well, I would say if you are having a bad day to let me make it better. I’d start with my special bad day backrub.

FRAN: All right, sponsor #3 what about you?

SPONSOR#3. Fran, I would tell you that we all have bad days and I would agree with sponsor #1 in one respect and that is that a meeting would definitely be in order. I would pick you up and afterward we could get some coffee and talk some more.

FRAN: Great. Sponsor…uh, excuse me Mizz Sponsor # 1, I have heard about the 12 Steps but how would we work the 12 Steps together?

SPONSOR#1. FIRST OFF, YOU WOULD DO EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD TELL YOU TO DO. TAKE THE COTTON OUT OF YOUR EARS AND PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND YOUR EARS OPEN.READ THE BIG BOOK, THE WHOLE BIG BOOK AND NOTHING BUT THE BIG BOOK. GOT IT?

FRAN: Well…I…uh

SPONSOR #1: WELL SPEAK UP!

FRAN: I…um…well…

SPONSOR#1: OH, GO TO THE NEXT PERSON BEFORE YOU TICK ME OFF!

FRAN: Oh okay, Sponsor #2 same question.

SPONSOR#2: How would we work the Steps together? I’m glad you asked me that Fran. I think the operative work you used was “together”. We would (makes quote-unquote signs with fingers) “work the Steps” comfortably, passionately, SAFELY, and when we were done you would be completely satisfied.

FRAN: Thank you…I think. Sponsor #3 your turn.

SPONSOR #3: Fran, I would just share the simple program of recovery as laid out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. We would go step by step and would be careful to be as willing, as thorough and as honest as possible.

FRAN: Thank you. Okay Mizz Sponsor #1 I have heard people in meetings say that it is a good rule of thumb to avoid getting into romantic relationships for the first year: how do you feel about that?

SPONSOR#1: I SAY NO RELATIONSHIPS WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT ME FOR THE FIRST FIVE YEARS! IF YOU ACT UP, I’LL TACK ON A COUPLE MORE YEARS!

FRAN: Number 2?

SPONSOR #2: Let me tell you something, Fran. You’ve heard of the 12 Traditions of AA, right?

FRAN: Yes.

SPONSOR: Well, those are the “big T” Traditions. This whole no relationship thing in the first year is a “little T” Tradition that probably started with some prude who wasn’t gettin’ any. I say get it while it’s hot, baby!

HOST: Now there’s an AA slogan I’ve never heard before!

FRAN: Sponsor #3, what do you think?

SPONSOR #3: Fran, I think there are no real rules when it comes to sponsorship. This is simply a suggestion brought on by member’s past experience like attending 90 meetings in 90 days which some have found to be helpful. I try to be flexible when sponsoring someone, but I don’t spare them the truth if I feel they are making or about to make a huge mistake.

FRAN: All right. Mizz Sponsor #1 look at Sponsor #2 and tell me what movie character best sums up what he would be like as a sponsor?

SPONSOR#1: (looks at #2) “FORREST GUMP”!

FRAN: Fair enough. Number 2, what movie character sums up what kind of sponsor #1 would be?

SPONSOR # 2: (looks at #1) Um…The terminator?

FRAN: Uh, thanks. Sponsor # 3 why don’t you do the same thing but about yourself?

SPONSOR # 3: The movie I’d pick would be “My name is Bill W.” because I just try to pass on what was passed on to me. Go to meetings, work the steps, read AA literature including the pamphlet “Questions and Answers on Sponsorship”, get a home group, get involved in some sort of service, and stay honest, open, willing, and teachable. Most importantly, to just take it one day at a time.

SPONSOR #1: SHOW-OFF!

HOST: Okay Fran, question time is up. You’ve heard their answers and now it is time to choose. You think about who you want to pick as your sponsor while we go to a commercial break. We’ll be right back after this!

__________________________________________________________

COMMERCIAL HOST: Are you tired of your sponsor always telling you what to do? Do you wish that just once you could turn the tables on your sponsor and be the one in control? Well, now you can! (pulls out controller, puts antenna up and presses buttons) Introducing…RoboSponsor! (RoboSponsor walks out robotically) That’s right! This incredibly lifelike android comes fully assembled and ready to roll! Now you can be the one calling the shots! How many times have you secretly dreamed of hearing your sponsor say things like this?: (presses buttons)

ROBOSPONSOR: I’m going to take the cotton out of MY ears and put it in my mouth.

COMMERCIAL HOST: Or this? (presses buttons)

ROBOSPONSOR: You don’t need to call me anymore, I’ll just call you.

COMMERCIAL HOST: Or even this? (presses buttons)

ROBOSPONSOR: I don’t know what the heck I’m talking about.

COMMERCIAL HOST: That’s right, years of sponsorship fun is now at your fingertips. And if you call within the next 10 minutes we’ll throw in our patented Humiliation Microchip which makes your RoboSponsor do embarrassing dance moves like this: (presses buttons)

Riverdance! (RoboSponsor riverdances)

Moonwalk! (RoboSponsor moonwalks)

Breakdance! (RoboSponsor breakdances)

So call 1-800-GET ROBO right now!

_____________________________________________________________

(dating game music)

HOST: Welcome back to the Sponsoring Game. Fran, it’s time for the moment of truth. Are you going to pick Sponsor #1, Sponsor#2 or Sponsor #3? 
 

(waits a beat while audience yells out different numbers)

FRAN: Well, Deacon it was a very hard decision but since Sponsor #1…

SPONSOR #1: THAT’S MIZZ SPONSOR #1 YOU MORON!

FRAN: MIZZ Sponsor #1 sounds like my mother and Sponsor #2 sounds like my ex-husband, I’m going to pick #3!

HOST: Number 3! Okay, Fran before you meet your new sponsor let’s meet the two you didn’t pick.. First Mizz Sponsor #1 is Edna Hardassia!

(Sponsor #1 doesn’t move but sits there with an annoyed look on her face)

HOST: Um,…I said Edna Hardassia!

(Sponsor #1 still doesn’t move)

HOST: Uh,…is there a problem, Edna?

SPONSOR#1: I DO NOT COME TO SPONSEES, THEY COME TO ME!

HOST: Um, well okay, whatever…here then is Sponsor #2 Lenny Lamour!

(Sponsor #2 walks around the partition and hugs Fran and won’t let go)

HOST: All right, that’s good Lenny. You can let her go now. Come on, buddy! (peels him off) GET OFF!

Sponsor #2: Give me a booty call anytime, Fran!

HOST: Now it’s time to meet your new Sponsor Fran. She feels her past full of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization is now her greatest asset as she tries to stay sober one day at a time. Here she is , Keisha Simple!

(dating game music)

(Sponsor #3 walks around the partition and hugs Fran)

HOST: Okay, Johnny where are we sending these two?

VOICEOVER: It’s not a destination it’s a journey. A journey filled with laughter, tears, pain, and victory all encompassed in the wonderful fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Fran and Keisha we shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then!

HOST: That’s all the time we have today on the Sponsoring Game. Before we go we’re going to blow a big Keep It Simple Stupid Kiss. (Fran, Host and Keisha lean back and blow a kiss)

(dating game music)

THE END

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

PS Our thanks to the member (with the particularly warped sense of humour) who sent this in to us