How it Works - and How it Does NOT Work!

Regarding how I was treated as a newcomer. Of course I speak only for myself and my own experience. This takes me back to February 1984 in North Middlesex.

WHAT HAPPENED

Someone from the fellowship met me not far from a meeting venue and spoke to me for a while. He then took me to my first meeting. This was a small meeting of about 8 to 10 people. Bog standard AA as I have come to know it. I was introduced to members at that meeting and given a cup of tea and a newcomers pack. I was also given a "Where to Find" and some phone numbers. I was told to relax and try to listen for the similarities and not the differences. The part of the big book in chapter 5 about the actor trying to fit the scenery/lights etc to his satisfaction was read out. The chair was done by the person who had met me and taken me to the meeting.

People were friendly without being over bearing. There was no coercion, rather I sensed a genuine feeling of concern for my welfare. I did not feel threatened. I was told I was the most important person in the room. ( Well, I knew that anyway ! )

After the meeting, I was introduced to a man who asked me if I would like to go to another meeting the next day and he would pick me up in his car and take me there. I agreed. I was taken to several meetings over a period of a few weeks by this person. At that time, my circumstances were that I was homeless and destitute - a so-called "low bottom" case.

It was discerned that I may need medical help, and 2 female AA members arranged to meet me and took me to see a doctor. This doctor referred me to a local hospital for detox, which was sorely needed in my case. In hospital I was visited by AA members and received many "get well" cards from them. I was touched by this. I had thought I had no friends. Clearly I was mistaken. I still have these cards today - 26 years later - I have kept them as tokens of fellowship.

Once my head and body had cleared of alcohol, I returned to meetings and was able to absorb the message of recovery at my own pace. I was never impressed by those who preached and lectured, but rather I was attracted to those who offered friendship and fellowship, and who seemed to be working the program rather than just preaching or talking about it. I got to the stage of recovery where I was able to make my own decisions regarding who I wanted as a sponsor and how I wanted to work the steps. This took some time.

WHAT DID NOT HAPPEN

I was not given a leaflet or a prompt card concocted by a personality doing their own thing in AA without any consultation with the rest of AA, and disregarding the consequences to the fellowship as a whole. I was not told that only certain groups had the "correct" message, or the "best" message. I was not told that the rest (mainstream) of AA was in some way defective or inferior. No part of AA was spoken about in a belittling or contemptuous way. I was not given misinformation and lies about the comparative "success rates" of AA.

I was not coerced into doing "daily suggestions" or taking the steps immediately, or assigned a sponsor without a careful prior consideration of the matter on my part. I was given some general suggestions regarding the serenity prayer, attending regular meetings and contact with AA members, but I was allowed to make my own mind up about what I was able to do, and when I was able to do it. I did not encounter any meeting where everyone "sang from the same hymn sheet" (a nonsense I sometimes hear in meetings today - AA is a fellowship of the spirit, not Sunday "Songs Of Praise" )

There seemed always to be a diversity of experience strength and hope in the early meetings I attended. This allowed me to make choices - I was able to discern for myself what kind of sobriety I wanted and what I didn't want.

I was not told that seeking out the advice of doctors or therapists was "wrong" or "not on the program" etc. In fact I was very much encouraged to take "outside help" where necessary. I was rightly guided to a doctor and encouraged to follow his advice and referral. (This truly reflects the experience and practice of the founder members who took a lot of "outside" help and advice. Read the Big Book and "Pass it On " for further details on this.)

I was not told to "jump for joy" or "get on my knees" or perform any other body contortions. Nor was I told I should feel happy all the time, or what I should believe regarding a higher power, or how many times I should pray in a day etc. Nor was I given false assurances about never having a bad day, or that life would always be a bowl of cherries etc.

I was not given a fixed time to ring a sponsor, outside which they would slam the phone down and refuse to talk to me. People I experienced practised compassion and the AA responsibility card - "When anyone anywhere reaches out for help I want the hand of AA to be there... " (Note: ANYone, ANYwhere.. and the hand of AA. No mention of "exactly 7am only" or the "hand of a special cult genius with a superiority complex")

I could say more, but I will leave it at this for now. I think you get the picture

Regarding meetings where newcomers are ignored. Of course, this is to be regretted whenever or wherever it occurs. I cannot control what others do, or do not do. Only what I do. My personal recovery is insured by working with others. If I don't do that I risk a relapse. In general, if a meeting doesn't practice the Traditions, and help or reach out to the newcomer, that meeting will wither and die. Simple. In my experience cult groups are no exception to this phenomenon. I have seen several cult group meetings fade and die over the years. For example, a "Vision" style step meeting in Ravenscourt Park, Hammersmith on Friday night wilted some years ago. Also a Visionary meeting in Edgeware on Monday night suffered the same fate. Mainstream meetings in those areas, however, are still going strong. Sometimes newcomers don't want to be swamped by chirpy young men in dress suits pushing DIY prompt cards, and the promise of Shangri-La if only you do everything they dictate without question. Many newcomers prefer a quieter, simpler, and more discreet approach. Not all alcoholics want to be the centre of attention. Although I admit that I am not one of that particular category! I'm the kind of alcoholic who, if I am sat in a meeting and someone walks in and says "Hi" to everyone, I automatically feel that I have been ignored, even though I haven't been. They should have said "Hi everyone and hi T.S." Identify?

Happy New Year ! Love and Light to you in 2011. :) T.S.

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The Fellas