An article we came across (reproduced with permission)
"I’ve been a member of AA for some 25 years to date, and now seems like as good a time as any to reflect on my experiences both of the Fellowship and its programme of recovery. What I have to say on these matters (and any others that might cross my mind) are of course my views entirely and should never be interpreted as representing those of AA itself.
If from time to time I should sound as if I’m speaking for the many then kindly indulge me my (hopefully) occasional lapse – and edit accordingly.
By and large I would describe myself as a satisfied “customer” of Alcoholics Anonymous although that term should not be understood as signifying any kind of ‘commercial transaction’. AA for me is an organisation (but minimally organised) that should be run by and for ‘amateurs’ and with no ‘professional class’ or hierarchy that can claim some special authority or wield any particular ‘power. And moreover makes no associated charges for such facilities.
I use the word ‘should’ advisedly for although (or even because) I am a long term member of the fellowship I am by no means uncritical of some aspects of our conduct, and it is for this reason mainly that I present my review here.
I shall in the following concentrate for the greater part on my experiences in AA with relatively little reference to my drinking history. Suffice it to say that over a number of years I drank to excess, always alcoholically, and in the latter stages it would be no exaggeration to say that I was well on my way to an early death; in other words I qualify for membership.
What is of more interest (or at least from my perspective) is that I believe (and with the benefit of hindsight) that I greatly underestimated the psychological impact of my addiction, and that this lack of understanding contributed significantly to my subsequent experiences.
More importantly these transitional stages of adjustment (or perhaps even of maladjustment) might provide an explanation for some of the current problems facing AA, that is if I may extrapolate from my own experiences (supported by observation) and draw some general conclusions from these.
I will begin with some fairly straightforward background details. I arrived at my first AA meeting in my early thirties. From that meeting up to the present day I have had no problem (with few exceptions) relating to the accounts of other alcoholics.
Indeed the “progression” of my addiction seemed to be quite unremarkable, or so I discovered; the “similarities” were numerous – and most apparent – and far outweighed any “differences”. Where divergences did present these could easily be explained by the variations that naturally occur between individuals from different cultural, gender, social class backgrounds etc.
My primary impression initially was one of shock – that in fact I was not as different or even as “deviant” as I had at first believed. I had had only a brief period “dry” before attending that first meeting and went through the worst of the withdrawals at home and by myself.
This was extremely unpleasant and very frightening but something I had experienced on not a few occasions before. When I had recovered sufficiently I contacted AA by phone and asked the person at the other end of the line to give me details of the local meetings.
As soon as I was fit enough I went to one of these. (I should say here that I had contacted Alcoholics Anonymous once before so I had a rough idea of how they (or ‘we’) operated).
Previously I had made no serious attempt to stop drinking with the exception of two short periods “on the wagon”; other than these my drinking was continuous and long term.
I had however been to see my GP who informed me after a blood test that my liver was suffering from the effects of my addiction, but who indicated no course of action other than to try and moderate my drinking – a plan which I failed to implement successfully.
I briefly undertook some counselling but no real insight was obtained as to the possible causes of my drinking problem and moreover no longer term solution presented itself by this route. AA therefore represented my first (and only) serious attempt to do something about my problem.
My profile is white heterosexual male, early thirties (at that time), good education, with a stable family background. In terms of demographics therefore I fitted fairly neatly into the majority grouping within the membership (again at that time).
In terms of personality type my own assessment would place me more at the introverted end of the spectrum (though not pathologically) with a somewhat melancholic temperament (though not depressive), a tendency to over-intellectualise and of a diffident inclination.
I’m not going to go into any more detail in this area simply because it would serve no useful purpose and moreover would be of questionable validity. What is more important is the condition I found myself in at the end of my period of active alcoholism.
I was a “stay at home” top-up drinker and, with the exception of my wife (who subsequently left me because of my drinking) indulged my habit alone. I had virtually no social life, no work colleagues (I was self-employed and ‘worked’ from home), little contact with my wider family (other than the occasional phone call), no hobbies (these had gradually fallen by the wayside during the progression of my condition) and no interests.
To sum up I had become a virtual recluse, my social disengagement almost complete, and with a sense of near total alienation from wider society. I had developed moreover a range of phobias (including mild agoraphobia), and was subject to regular panic attacks, paranoia, despair, increasing levels of associated anger, irrational thought patterns (of which even I was aware), a deepening sense of shame at my degraded condition (which of course contributed to my reclusive tendencies) and finally, of course, a constant desire to drink (from first thing in the morning to whenever I eventually passed out).
My physical health was poor. I suffered withdrawal symptoms immediately upon waking in the morning, vomited almost without fail shortly thereafter, my awakening accompanied always by an irresistible physical craving for alcohol (which I endeavoured to remedy in the usual fashion as soon as possible).
Apart from my near constant intoxication I smoked fairly heavily, took virtually no exercise, hardly left the house except to visit the off-licence, and had poor dietary habits. My sleep quality was unsatisfying and I felt constantly exhausted. My personal hygiene had suffered greatly over time and and I had only infrequent hair cuts.
My financial circumstances were always precarious but somehow always just adequate to meet the bills (and of course to buy drink!). My existence was in every respect “borderline”. At the end my ‘denial’ had finally begun to disintegrate and although I knew I was drinking myself to death, I had given up trying to do anything about it.
My wife had drawn a similar conclusion, knew this was something quite outside her control and made her departure. I was on my own and ready for the next phase…..Alcoholics Anonymous (to be continued)”
Cheerio
The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)
