A thought provoking contribution – contd

See here for previous entry

“Thank you for your reply. You have clearly considered all of these things and I would agree with pretty much all of what you have said. Personally, I always defer to professionals when asked about medication. I realize that I am not qualified to say anything about this so I typically say, "I am not a doctor" or "I just don't know and can't say what you "should" do". Maybe the therapeutic relationship someone forms will prove to be a significant one and then I would be depriving people of that opportunity. I agree that AA is at most effective when we share experience, strength and hope - my own experience and not that of others. As Bill wrote "recovery does not come by confessing the shortcomings of others". In terms of the road to hell is paved with "good" intentions I could not agree more as it was my own naive do-gooderism that got me involved with this sort of sponsorship in the first place. I wanted to "save people" and made a mess. I did much "undesigned" harm as they say.

I am no expert on tough love. I do realize that words can hurt and that we need not swing fists to be a bully. At the same time people who have been very "direct" with me (that is to say confrontational about what they perceive as my shortcomings) have gotten through at times when a more patient or non-confrontational approach may have been lost on me. Maybe this is not really "tough" love the way it would be considered in a therapeutic context or maybe it would be. Either way, I have found that I feel better about myself when I am honest with people even if what I could be perceived as "harsh". This is qualified by the fact that I tend only to do so when asked for my opinion. I also heard a man recently say that "when we tell the Truth without Love it magically ceases to be Truth" and I thought there was something very wise to that. Again, the issue is that we have no professional class of therapy in AA which is why groups where this is practised (as the norm or expectation) I do not really consider as being "AA" which would practice an "unconditional" love. At the same time each group is autonomous, so they can call themselves AA if they want. The ethical issue of intervention when others are in the way of harm is difficult for me. I have done so in the past and at times it has worked out well and then at others I ended up creating more problems. I do believe that it is a form of moral cowardice not to speak up when appropriate to do so. I am very tempted to join your forum on these grounds because I do have quite a bit of experience to share on all of this.”

“….. I have a few more ideas on this topic which may make what I said then sort of "besides the point".

The more I think about this tough love business, the more I agree with your idea that it really is not appropriate in the recovery context. I think what I have learned from my experience with the sort of groups that you describe is that we have this belief system that "guilt is good for us" when in reality our buying into guilt does nothing for our health. Really the "purpose" of guilt is to instil a sense of morality in someone and if we are doing this in recovery then we are being "parents" rather than sponsors and sharing and caring friends.

It was also a mistake of me to say that the sorts of groups which may be traditional in their focus "can do whatever they want" as long as it conforms to the laws of the land. While they "can" I do not want to say that I support what they do or their methods.

I am not saying this to start some kind of battle with people who may see things differently I really just want to be clear on this for my own health and sanity. This is really how I see things these days the more I weigh the pros and cons of my own experience. The more I think about it the more I think that any sort of my being "apologetic" for what is a distortion of context in recovery is not okay.”

“I have been thinking about this some more and here is sort of my policy regarding such groups these days.

There is a difference between our being committed to a life of spiritual growth and personal development and our being obsessed and brainwashed and victimized by a cult. It is not always easy to see because we have this pridefulness about how committed and loyal we are to the great "cause" of the leader of the group. Even though our motives are ostensibly "good" we pave the road to hell by our hidden motives which are to to get recognition, respect, love and approval. Because of our hidden expectations we set ourselves up for later anger and resentment when our "sacrifice" in the form of our "goodness" or "loyalty" is not recognized by the leaders of the group. They may not see it the way that we do so we really set ourselves up by getting involved in the first place. My experience has been that it is best to avoid altogether such groups. Ultimately, the truth needs no defense and that which is worthy of our respect hardly needs an apologist. The true winners in AA are people who teach us to go within ourselves to find the answers and not to look for happiness outside of ourselves no matter how attractively the fallacious promise is packaged.”


Our thanks to our correspondent