The
sections they always seem to miss (including Joe and Charlie in their
so-called “Big Book study"!)
We
quote:
AA
Big Book
Chapter 7 -
Working With Others
“
Practical experience
shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as
intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities
fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other
alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their
confidence when other fail. Remember they are very ill.
Life will take on new
meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch
loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a
host of friends — this is an experience you must not miss. We know
you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and
with each other is the bright spot of our lives.
Perhaps you are not
acquainted with any drinkers who want to recover. You can easily find
some by asking a few doctors, ministers, priests or hospitals. They
will be only too glad to assist you. Don't
start out as an evangelist or reformer. Unfortunately a
lot of prejudice exists. You will be handicapped if you arouse it.
Ministers and doctors are competent and you can learn much from them
if you wish, but it happens that because of your own drinking
experience you can be uniquely useful to other alcoholics. So
cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim.
When you discover a
prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out
all you can about him. If
he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to
persuade him. You may spoil a later opportunity. This
advice is given for his family also. They should be patient,
realizing they are dealing with a sick person.
If there is any
indication that he wants to stop, have a good talk with the person
most interested in him —usually his wife. Get an idea of his
behavior, his problems, his background, the seriousness of his
condition, and his religious leanings. You need this information to
put yourself in his place, to see how you would like him to approach
you if the tables were turned.
Sometimes it is wise to
wait till he goes on a binge. The family may object to this, but
unless he is in a dangerous physical condition, it is better to risk
it. Don't deal with him when he is very drunk, unless he is ugly and
the family needs your help. Wait for the end of the spree, or at
least for a lucid interval. Then let his family or a friend ask him
if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do
so. If he says yes, then his attention should be drawn to you as a
person who has recovered. You should be described to him as one of a
fellowship who, as part of their own recovery, try to help others and
who will be glad to talk to him if he cares to see you.
If
he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him.
Neither should the family hysterically plead with him to do anything,
nor should they tell him much about you. They should wait for the end
of his next drinking bout. You might place this book where he can see
it in the interval. Here no specific rule
can be given. The family must decide these things. But
urge them not to be over-anxious, for that might spoil matters.
Usually the family should
not try to tell your story. When possible, avoid meeting a man
through his family. Approach through a doctor or an institution is a
better bet. If your man needs hospitalization, he should have it, but
not forcibly unless he is violent. Let the doctor, if he will, tell
him he has something in the way of a solution.
When your man is better,
the doctor might suggest a visit from you. Though you have talked
with the family, leave them out of the first discussion. Under these
conditions your prospect will see he is under not pressure. He will
feel he can deal with you without being nagged by his family. Call on
him while he is still jittery. He may be more receptive when
depressed.
See
your man alone, if possible. At first engage
in general conversation. After a while, turn the talk to some phase
of drinking. Tell him enough about your drinking habits, symptoms,
and experiences to encourage him to speak of himself. If he wishes to
talk, let him do so. You will thus get a better
idea of how you ought to proceed. If he is not communicative, give
him a sketch or your drinking career up to the time you quit. But say
nothing, for the moment, of how that was accomplished. If
he is in a serious mood dwell on the troubles liquor has caused you,
being careful not to moralize or lecture. If his mood is
light, tell him humorous stories of your escapades. Get him to tell
some of his.
When
he sees you know all about the drinking game, commence to describe
yourself as an alcoholic. Tell him how baffled you were, how you
finally learned that you were sick. Give him
an account of the struggles you made to stop.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree.
We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on
alcoholism. If he is alcoholic, he will understand you at once. He
will match you mental inconsistencies with some of his own.
If you
are satisfied that he is a real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the
hopeless feature of the malady. Show him, from your own experience,
how the queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents
normal functioning of the will power. Don't,
at this stage, refer to this book, unless he has seen it
and wishes to discuss it. And be careful not
to brand him as an alcoholic. Let him draw his own conclusion.
If he sticks to the idea that he can still control his drinking, tell
him that possibly he can — if he is not too alcoholic. But insist
that if he is severely afflicted, there may be little chance he can
recover by himself.
Continue
to speak of alcoholism as an illness, a fatal malady. Talk about the
conditions of body and mind which accompany it. Keep
his attention focused mainly on your personal experience.
Explain that many are doomed who never realize their predicament.
Doctors are rightly loath to tell alcoholic patients the whole story
unless it will serve some good purpose. But you may talk to him about
the hopelessness of alcoholism because you offer a solution. You will
soon have you friend admitting he has many, if not all, of the traits
of the alcoholic. If his own doctor is willing to tell him that he is
alcoholic, so much the better. Even though your protege may not have
entirely admitted his condition, he has become very curious to know
how you got well. Let him ask you that question, if he will. Tell him
exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely. If
the man be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that he does not
have to agree with your conception of God. He can choose any
conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him.
The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater
than himself and that he live by spiritual principles.
When
dealing with such a person, you had better use everyday language to
describe spiritual principles. There is no use arousing any prejudice
he may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about
which he may already be confused. Don't raise such issues, no matter
what your own convictions are.
Your prospect may belong
to a religious denomination. His religious education and training may
be far superior to yours. In that case he is going to wonder how you
can add anything to what he already knows. But he well be curious to
learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to
work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is
insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self
sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action.
Let him see that you are not there to
instruct him in religion. Admit that he probably knows
more about it than you do, but call to his attention the fact that
however deep his faith and knowledge, he could not have applied it or
he would not drink, Perhaps your story will help him see where he has
failed to practice the very precepts he knows so well. We represent
no particular faith or denomination. We are dealing only with general
principles common to most denominations.
Outline the program of
action, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you
straightened out your past and why you are now endeavoring to be
helpful to him. It is important for him to realize that your attempt
to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your recovery. Actually,
he may be helping you more than you are helping him. Make
it plain he is under no obligation to you, that you hope only that he
will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own
difficulties. Suggest how important it is that he place
the welfare of other people ahead of his own. Make it clear that he
is not under pressure, that he needn't see you again if he doesn't
want to. You should not be offended if he
wants to call it off, for he has helped you more than you have helped
him. If your talk has been sane, quiet and full of human
understanding, you have perhaps made a friend. Maybe you
have disturbed him about the question of alcoholism. This is all to
the good. The more hopeless he feels, the better. he will be more
likely to follow your suggestions.
Your
candidate may give reasons why he need not follow all of the program.
He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning which requires
discussion with other people. Do not contradict such views.
Tell him you once felt as he does, but you doubt whether you would
have made much progress had you not taken action. On your first visit
tell him about the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. If he shows
interest, lend him your copy of this book.
Unless
your friend wants to talk further about himself, do not wear out your
welcome. Give him a chance to think it over. If
you do stay , let him steer the conversation in any direction he
like. Sometimes a new man is anxious to proceed at once,
and you may be tempted to let him do so. This is sometimes a mistake.
If he has trouble later, he is likely to say you rushed him. You
will be most successful with alcoholics if you do not exhibit any
passion for crusade or reform. Never talk down to an alcoholic from
any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of
spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked with
you. Offer him friendship and fellowship. Tell him that if he wants
to get well you will do anything to help.
If he
is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as
a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees,
you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do
after he gets hurts some more.
If
he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to
read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for
himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded
by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire
must come from within.
If he
thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other
spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We
have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with
us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in
common and that you would like, in any case, to be friendly. Let it
go at that. Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond
at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to
find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you
offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or
will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon
become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much
time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an
opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed
entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if
he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others,
who have since recovered, of their chance.
Suppose
now you are making your second visit to a man. He has read this
volume and says he is prepared to go through with the Twelve Steps of
the program of recovery. Having had the experience yourself, you can
give him much practical advice. Let him know you are available if he
wishes to make a decision and tell his story, but do not insist upon
it if he prefers to consult someone else.
He may
be broke and homeless. If he is, you might try to help him about
getting a job, or give him a little financial assistance. But you
should not deprive your family or creditors of money they should
have. Perhaps you will want to take the man into your home for a few
days. But be sure you use discretion. Be certain he will be welcomed
by your family, and that he is not trying to impose upon you for
money, connections, or shelter. Permit that and you only harm him.
You will be making it possible for him to be insincere. You may be
aiding in his destruction rather than his recovery.
Never
avoid these responsibilities, but be sure you are doing the right
thing if you assume them. Helping others is the foundation stone of
your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn't enough. You have to
act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. It may mean the loss of
many nights' sleep, great interference with your pleasures,
interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money and
your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips
to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums. Your
telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night. Your wife may
sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in
your home, or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with him if he
is violent. Sometimes you will have to call a doctor and administer
sedatives under his direction. Another time you may have to send for
the police or an ambulance. Occasionally you will have to meet such
conditions.
We
seldom allow an alcoholic to live in our homes for long at a time. It
is not good for him, and it sometimes creates serious complications
in a family.
Though
an alcoholic does not respond, there is no reason why you should
neglect his family. You should continue to be friendly to them. The
family should be offered your way of life. Should they accept and
practice spiritual principles, there is a much better change that the
head of the family will recover. And even though he continues to
drink, the family will find life more bearable.
For
the type of alcoholic who is able and willing to get well, little
charity, in the ordinary sense of the word, is need or wanted. The
men who cry for money and shelter before conquering alcohol, are on
the wrong track. Yet we do go to great extremes to provide each other
with these very things, when such action is warranted. This may seem
inconsistent, but we think it is not.
It is not the matter of
giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often
makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put
our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our
assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that,
claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared
for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this
truth: Job or no job — wife or no wife — we simply do not stop
drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of
dependence on God.
Burn
the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well
regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and
clean house.
Now, the domestic
problem: There may be divorce, separation, or just strained
relations. When your prospect has made such reparation as he can to
his family, and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles
by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into
action at home. That is, if he is lucky enough to have a home. Though
his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned
about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration.
Argument and fault-finding are to be
avoided like the plague. In many homes this is a difficult
thing to do, but it must be done if any results are to be expected.
If persisted in for a few months, the effect on a man's family is
sure to be great. The most incompatible people discover they have a
basis upon which they can meet. Little by little the family may see
their own defects and admit them. These can then be discussed in an
atmosphere of helpfulness and friendliness.
After they have seen
tangible results, the family will perhaps want to go along. These
things will come to pass naturally and in good time provided,
however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober,
considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does. Of
course, we all fall much below this standard many times. But we must
try to repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by a
spree.
If there be divorce or
separation, there should be no undue haste for the couple to get
together. The man should be sure of his recovery. The wife should
fully understand his new way of life. If their old relationship is to
be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not
work. This means a new attitude and spirit all around. Sometimes it
is to the best interests of all concerned that a couple remain apart.
Obviously, no rule can be laid down.
Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day. When
the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both
parties.
Let no alcoholic say he
cannot recover unless he has his family back. This just isn't so. In
some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another.
Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people.
It is dependent upon his relationship with God. We have seen men get
well whose families have not returned at all. We have seen others
slip when the family came back too soon.
Both you and the new man
must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you
persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize
that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands
were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates
of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful
world, no matter what your present circumstances!
When working with a man
and his family, you should take care not to participate in their
quarrels. You may spoil your chance of being helpful if you do. But
urge upon a man's family that he has been a very sick person and
should be treated accordingly. You should warn against arousing
resentment or jealousy. You should point out that his defects of
character are not going to disappear over night. Show them that he
has entered upon a period of growth. Ask them to remember, when they
are impatient, the blessed fact of his sobriety.
If you have been
successful in solving your own domestic problems, tell the newcomer's
family how that was accomplished. In this way you can set them on the
right track without becoming critical of them. The story of how you
and your wife settled your difficulties is worth any amount of
criticism.
Assuming
we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are
not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is
served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who
drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we
must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go
to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at
all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions
every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic
mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His
only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice
Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch
and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to
distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme
of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from
temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield
himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger
explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to
do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to
avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason
for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions,
weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has
had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting
Providence, but it isn't.
You will note that we
made and important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each
occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason
for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little
vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?" If you
answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension.
Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure you are on solid
spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is
thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the
occasion. Think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky,
you had better work with another alcoholic instead!
Why sit with a long face
in places where there is drinking, sighing about the good old days.
If it is a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those
there; if a business occasion, go and attend to your business
enthusiastically. If you are with a person who wants to eat in a bar,
by all means go along. Let your friends know they are not to change
their habits on your account. At a proper time and place explain to
all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this
thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. While you were
drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you
are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to
withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor.
Your job now is to be at
the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never
hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not
hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand.
Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep
you unharmed.
Many
of us keep liquor in our homes. We often need it to carry green
recruits through a severe hangover. Some of us still serve it to our
friends provided they are not alcoholic. But some of us think we
should not serve liquor to anyone. We never argue this question. We
feel that each family, in the light of their own circumstances, ought
to decide for themselves.
We
are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an
institution. Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to
anyone. Every new alcoholic looks for this spirit among us and is
immensely relieved when he finds we are not witchburners. A spirit of
intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved,
had it not been for such stupidity. We would not even do the cause of
temperate drinking any good, for not one drinker in a thousand likes
to be told anything about alcohol by one who hates it.
Some day we hope that
Alcoholics Anonymous will help the public to a better realization of
the gravity of the alcoholic problem, but we shall be of little use
if our attitude is one of bitterness or hostility. Drinkers will not
stand for it.
After all, our problems
were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have
stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!”
Cheers
The
Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)
PS
Our thanks to the US member for sending in this piece
