A
wildly imaginative dianoetic rambling concerning the the “basic
text” of Alcoholics Anonymous (viz. the Big Book) (our comments in
red print)
Chapter 3 More About Alcoholism (pp. 35-43)
“What
sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after
time the desperate experiment of the first drink? Friends
who have reasoned with
him after a spree which has brought him to the point of
divorce or bankruptcy are mystified when he walks directly into a
saloon. Why does he? Of what is he thinking?
Our
first example is a friend we shall call Jim. This man has a charming
wife and family. He inherited a lucrative automobile agency. He had a
commendable World War record. He is a good salesman. Everybody likes
him. He is an intelligent man, normal so far as we can see,
except for a nervous disposition. He did no drinking until he was
thirty-five. In a few years he became so violent when intoxicated
that he had to be committed. On leaving the asylum he came into
contact with us.
We
told him what we knew of alcoholism and the answer we had found
[therefore not necessarily what others knew of
alcoholism nor answers they had found – no claim is made here of
omniscience!]. He made a beginning [which
is pretty much all that any of us can do]. His family was
re-assembled, and he began to work as a salesman for the business he
had lost through drinking. All went well for a time, but he failed
to enlarge his spiritual life [somewhat
vague – 'spiritual' as in what? A more probable explanation is that
he failed to grasp the fact he was powerless over alcohol ie. Step
One]. To his consternation, he found himself drunk half
a dozen times in rapid succession. On each of these occasions we
worked with him, reviewing carefully what had happened. He
agreed he was a real [chronic]
alcoholic and in a serious condition. He knew he faced another
trip to the asylum if he kept on. Moreover, he would lose his family
for whom he had a deep affection.
Yet
he got drunk again. We asked him to tell us exactly how it happened.
This is his story: “I came to work on Tuesday morning. I remember I
felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once
owned. I had a few words with the boss, but nothing serious. Then I
decided to drive into the country and see one of my prospects for a
car. On the way I felt hungry so I stopped at a roadside place where
they have a bar. I had no intention
of drinking. I just thought I would get a sandwich. I also had the
notion [or idea] that I might find a
customer for a car at this place, which was familiar for I had been
going to it for years. I had eaten there many times during the months
I was sober. I sat down at a table and ordered a sandwich and a glass
of milk. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another
sandwich and decided to have another glass of milk.
“Suddenly
the thought crossed my mind [impulsive thinking;
and see here]
that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn’t
hurt me on a full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the
milk. I vaguely sensed I was not being any too
smart, but felt reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a full
stomach [rationalisation].
The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey and poured
it into more milk. That didn’t seem to bother me so I tried
another.’’
Thus
started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. Here was the threat
of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of
that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always
caused him. He had much knowledge about
himself as an alcoholic. Yet all reasons for not
drinking were easily pushed aside in favour of the foolish
idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with
milk!
Whatever
the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain
insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the
ability to think straight, be called anything else?
You
may think this an extreme case. To us it is not far-fetched, for this
kind of thinking has been characteristic of every single one of us
[not so
much 'thinking' but rather an expression of compulsivity followed by
an attempt at rationalisation; thought in this instance is largely
subsequent to action, and therefore, we would argue, subconsciously
motivated]. We have sometimes reflected more than Jim
did upon the consequences. But there was always the curious
mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there
inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first
drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane
idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness
and sincerity, how it could have happened.
In
some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk,
feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression,
jealousy or the like.
But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our
justification for a spree was insanely [lacking
in rationality] insufficient in the light of
what always happened. We now see that when we began to drink
deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or
effective thought during the period of premeditation of
what the terrific consequences might be. [ie.
planned as opposed to impulsive or compulsive drinking]
Our
behaviour is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to
the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for
jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving
vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly
warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap
having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly
injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were
normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a
fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a
fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided
to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On
through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his
continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets
altogether. Finally, he can no
longer
work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries
every known means to get the jay-walking idea out of his head. He
shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day
he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his
back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn’t he?
You
may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have
been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism
for jaywalking, the
illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have
been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have
been strangely insane. It’s strong language—but isn’t it true?
Some
of you are thinking: “Yes, what you tell us is true, but it doesn’t
fully apply. We admit we have some of these symptoms, but we have not
gone to the extremes you fellows did, nor are we likely to, for we
understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that such
things cannot happen again. We have not lost everything in life
through drinking and we certainly do not intend to. Thanks for the
information.’’
That
may be true of certain non-alcoholic people who, though drinking
foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able to stop or
moderate, because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as
ours were [what might be termed 'acute'
alcoholism as compared with chronic or real alcoholism]. But
the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an
exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis
of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and
re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has
been revealed to us out of bitter experience. Let us take another
illustration.
Fred
is partner in a well known accounting firm. His income is good, he
has a fine home, is happily married and the father of promising
children of college age. He has so attractive a personality that he
makes friends with everyone. If ever there was a successful business
man, it is Fred. To all appearance he is a stable, well balanced
individual. Yet, he is alcoholic. We first saw Fred about a year
ago in a hospital where he had gone to recover from a bad case of
jitters. It was his first experience of this kind, and he was much
ashamed of it. Far from admitting he was an alcoholic, he told
himself he came to the hospital
to rest his nerves. The doctor intimated strongly that he might be
worse than he realized. For a few days he was depressed about his
condition. He made up his mind to quit drinking altogether. It never
occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so, in spite of his
character and standing. Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic,
much less accept a spiritual remedy for his problem. We told him what
we knew about alcoholism [ie
what they knew within the limited scope of their own experience].
He was interested and conceded that he had some of the symptoms, but
he was a long way from admitting that he could do nothing about it
himself. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus
the knowledge he had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his
life. Self-knowledge would fix it.
We
heard no more of Fred for a while. One day we were told that he was
back in the hospital. This time he was quite shaky. He soon indicated
he was anxious to see us. The story he told is most instructive, for
here was a chap absolutely convinced he had to stop drinking, who had
no excuse for drinking, who exhibited splendid judgement and
determination in all his other concerns [ie
in all other respects a competent and responsible individual],
yet was flat on his back nevertheless.
Let
him tell you about it: “I was much impressed with what you fellows
said about alcoholism, and I frankly did not believe it would be
possible for me to drink
again. I rather appreciated your ideas about the subtle insanity
which precedes the first drink, but I was confident it could not
happen to me after what I had learned. I reasoned I was
not so far advanced as most of you fellows, that I had been usually
successful in licking my other personal problems, and that I would
therefore be successful where you men failed. I
felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would be only
a matter of exercising my will power and keeping on guard.
“In
this frame of mind, I went about my business and for a time all was
well. I had no trouble refusing drinks, and began to wonder if I had
not been making too
hard work of a simple matter. One day I went to Washington to present
some accounting evidence to a government bureau. I had been out of
town before during this particular dry spell, so there was nothing
new about that. Physically, I felt fine. Neither did I have any
pressing problems or worries. My business came off well, I was
pleased and knew my partners would be too. It was the end of a
perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon.
“I
went to my hotel and leisurely dressed for dinner. As I crossed
the threshold of the dining room, the thought came to mind
that it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That
was all. Nothing more. I ordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I
ordered another cocktail. After dinner I decided to take a walk. When
I returned to the hotel it struck me a highball
would be fine before going to bed, so I stepped into the bar and had
one. I remember having several more that night and plenty next
morning. I have
a shadowy recollection of being in an airplane bound for New York,
and of finding a friendly taxicab driver at the landing field instead
of my wife. The driver
escorted me about for several days. I know little of where I went or
what I said and did. Then came the hospital with unbearable mental
and physical suffering.
“As
soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that
evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made
no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not
thought of the consequences at all. I
had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails
were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told
me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and
place would come—I would drink again. They had said that though I
did raise a defence, it would one day give way before some trivial
reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more,
for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all.
I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will
power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental
blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said
that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a
crushing blow.
“Two
of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous came to see me. They grinned,
which I didn’t like so much, and then asked me if I thought
myself alcoholic and if I were really licked this time [note:
they “asked” not demanded or instructed!]. I had to
concede both propositions. They piled on me heaps of evidence
to the effect that an alcoholic mentality, such as I had
exhibited in Washington, was a hopeless condition. They cited
cases out of their own experience by the dozen. This
process snuffed out the last flicker of conviction that I could do
the job myself.
“Then
they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a
hundred of them had followed successfully [at
that time]. Though I had been only a nominal churchman,
their proposals were not, intellectually [reflective
thought is not excluded here – open mindedness does NOT imply
empty headedness], hard to swallow. But the program of
action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant
I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window.
That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to go through
with the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic
condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be.
“Quite
as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would
solve all my problems. I have since been brought into a way of
living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the
life I lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one,
but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I
would not go back to it even if I could.’’
Fred’s
story speaks for itself. We hope it strikes home to thousands like
him. He had felt only the first nip of the wringer. Most
alcoholics have to be pretty badly mangled before they really
commence to solve their problems.
Many
doctors and psychiatrists agree with our conclusions [and
perhaps some don't].
One of these men, staff member of a world-renowned hospital [Dr.
Percy Pollick (?)
-San Francisco psychiatrist - was with Bellevue Hospital New York then
San Francisco Country Hospital] ,
recently made this statement to some of us: “What you say about the
general hopelessness of the average alcoholic’s plight is, in my
opinion, correct. As to two of you men, whose stories I have heard,
there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from
divine help [a
value judgement reflecting perhaps his own belief system ie. an
opinion].
Had you offered yourselves as patients at this hospital, I would not
have taken you, if I had been able to avoid it. People like you are
too heartbreaking. Though
not a religious person, I have profound respect for the spiritual
approach in such cases as yours.
For most cases [therefore
not all],
there is virtually [ie.
almost]
no other solution.’’
Once
more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective
mental defence [ie
purely cognitively based] against the first drink.
Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human
being [including a sponsor] can provide
such a defence. His defence must come from a Higher Power [which
is probably NOT human …. hammering home the point we hope!].”
(our
emphases)
Coming
next – Chapter 4 We Agnostics
Cheerio
The
Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)
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