Near light speed achieved!

Now you may not have heard but there's a wild rumour going around that a general election is in the offing. We don't know how much credence can be attached to this extraordinary suggestion but we have ourselves noticed an inordinate number of men and women dashing around the country making wild and unsubstantiated promises to anyone they come across about what they'll do if they – and only they – get into power. Such is their desperation to ensure that they'll continue to keep their grubby little snouts buried deep into the trough which mostly constitutes Westminster they have in some cases achieved near light speed in an attempt to accost every single voter personally, and persuade them to part with their valuable and only periodic vote in our extremely occasional democracy. So dedicated are they to pursuing self-interest they will promise anything – yes ANYTHING – to anyone unfortunate enough to cross their path. Gone now is the cupboard bare! Literally billions upon billions of pounds are being thrust into our hands in all manner of guises as they attempt to bribe their way into our by now almost apolitical hearts. Indeed they have worked themselves up into such a frenzy there's a veritable glut of grandmothers currently for sale on eBay.

Now if by this stage you haven't decided for whom you should vote it's probably better to abstain. Being persuaded by some random sound byte or the sight of some man or woman jumping up and down on a stage whilst faking political orgasm hardly constitutes mature reflective political insight. But if that thought repels you then how about this for a shrewd political rebuttal of those ageing dinosaurs who have for far too long roamed our green and pleasant land? Should your inclination point you away from Westminster Central then there's a whole plethora of nationalist parties who should suit your tastes. Nationalist this or Nationalist that - what does it matter! If on the other hand you lean to the left there's always the Greens (they're terribly TERRIBLY nice!), and UKIP should more than adequately whet your conservative if slightly eccentric appetite. As for the centre who cares! There's no one of substance who currently occupies that overcrowded place! Time for change! Well why not! So let's show our political masters the door and usher in a different gang. Who knows? We might even end up with someone who cares! But don't hold your breath!

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous … and such shrewd political commentators!)]

PS And don't forget the Monster Raving Loony Party