Questions and Answers on Sponsorship (contd)

The AA (General Service conference approved) booklet: Questions and Answers on Sponsorship) 

Extract: 

“How should a sponsor deal with slips? 

It can be most discouraging to work with a newcomer who gets sober for a period, then has a relapse, or slip, and starts drinking again. This can be a delicate, difficult time for both the sponsor and the newcomer. The sponsor may be tempted to consider the newcomer ungrateful or even to give up. Here, we sponsors need to look carefully into our own attitudes, to steer a middle course between harsh criticism that would only build up the newcomer’s remorse, and maudlin sympathizing that would add to self-pity.

The newcomer, of course, may be even more discouraged and bewildered, and may find it extremely difficult to return to the sponsor and the group for a fresh start. (For this reason, many sponsors believe it important to take the initiative and call the newcomer.) In order to make the return truly a new beginning, it may be wise at this point to avoid postmortems on the reasons for the slip. Instead, the sponsor can help guide the newcomer back to the simplicity of the First Step and the prime importance of staying away from the first drink just for the day at hand.

Later, the newcomer may want to check the kind of thinking that possibly led to the slip, in order to guard against its recurrence. Here, the sponsor’s role depends completely on the two people involved. If the sponsor was aware of the danger signals beforehand, one newcomer may say, “If only you had told me!” but another may rebel at the idea of having been “watched.”

Regarded realistically, the slip can become a learning experience for both the person sponsored and the sponsor. For the sponsor, it may serve as a push toward humility, a reminder that one person cannot keep another person sober and that the Twelfth Step says, “. . . we tried to carry this message. . . . 

Most good sponsors emphasize that people who have slipped continue to be welcome in A.A. Successful sponsorship activity depends to a large degree on the understanding and love that the individual and group offer to a newcomer who may have one or more slips despite sincere efforts to achieve sobriety.”

(our emphases)

Comment: For our part we rather favour the 'running around in circles screaming “Don't panic! Don't panic!" before collapsing in a quivering heap' approach. But that's only for the more sober members. On the other hand one could take the 'I told you so' tack which is immensely satisfying for those among us who prize their own sense of superiority above all else. Then there's the 'how could you have done this to me' method which again is great for inducing the most abject sense of humiliation in the recalcitrant newcomer whilst allowing enormous scope for the sponsor (usually cult) to indulge their natural proclivity towards self righteous condemnation. But generally this extract contains good advice (which is why the cult totally eschews (another great word!) this pamphlet in their meetings. In fact if you want to wind up a cult member ask them if they've ever read it. More than likely they'll either say no or if they've been particularly well indoctrinated mutter something along the lines: “My sponsor suggested I should follow only their 'suggestions'” (cult speak for 'orders'). Either way they'll be completely clueless on the subject.

Note the sentence above: “Most good sponsors (which naturally excludes the cult version) emphasize that people who have slipped continue to be welcome in A.A.” True … unless you're attending a cult group. There you'll probably be told to keep your mouth shut and be sent to the back of the class … we s**t you not! After all you're a slipee now! Not a sponsee anymore! What could you possibly have to say which would be of any interest or use to the rest of us!? (heavy on the irony here!). But we've known members of AA who've slipped and slid for decades and then finally got sober. And boy do you need to listen to what they've got to say!

But remember: a sponsor is NOT ESSENTIAL to recovery. And NO sponsorship is better by far than BAD sponsorship!

Cheers

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

(to be continued)