Conference Questions (2013) forum discussion (contd)

Committee No. 4

Question 2:

Would the Fellowship discuss, share experience and make recommendations whether, throughout AA's service structure, members of special interest groups are sufficiently represented?

[See also: The Traditions, Preamble and Concepts]

Extracts:

“Mindful of …...'s comment in committee Six Question Two, that this forum is where those in service can get background to the conference questions, I thought it would be a good idea to include this AA Grapevine article from 1946 as background. Special interest groups have been around for a long time, tolerated rather than encouraged I think. The wisdom in this article as relevant today as it was in 1946. Some things don’t change. I think it would be unwise to have representation of special interest women’s groups in the service structure.

‘Women's Meetings’ AA Grapevine October 1946
NOW that women form an increasing membership in Alcoholics Anonymous, there seems to be a general feeling that they not only have a specialized problem, but, like the purple cow we'd rather see, they are one! Once every blessed so often, a woman comes in, works on the program, learns to tolerate and even to like all her fellow-men-and-women, and in general makes herself an admirable member. But for every dozen who do that, there is a basketful who become a combination nuisance, headache and problem.

Now there are plenty of men who make trouble. But somehow the trouble women cause is either so dramatized, or so disheartening, so shoddy and unnecessary that it seems far larger and more important than it actually is. At any rate, an unfortunate or harmful episode here and there is no longer an isolated experience. And while the writer of this is just one woman A.A. sticking her neck out (and very grateful, thank you, for anonymity in doing so), it is the thoughtful opinion of a number of old-timers, in groups all over the country, that it might be well to recognize the special difficulties that women present and meet them honestly. So this is a symposium, gathered from a number of groups. And letters of opinion and reaction are welcome.

Not Blanket Indictment

Here, then, is a list of perplexities and snags. Because the resulting friction discourages newcomers, and because such matters often cause slips of members well along in sobriety, no one who seriously wants to do the best job possible with and for sick people, should postpone facing the subject. But remember, as you read, that the faults and complaints apply only to some women--to many, perhaps--but not to all. They are not blanket accusations of the sex.

Female Frailties
1. The percentage of women who stay with A.A. is low. Too many of them drop out after the novelty wears off; a few months to a year and a half.
2. Many women form attachments too intense--bordering on the emotional. Best-friends, crushes, hero-worship cause strained relationships.
3. So many women want to run things. To boss, manage, supervise, regulate and change things. Twenty want to decorate; one will scrub or mend what is already around.
4. Too many women don't like women.
5. Women talk too much. Gossip is a cancer to all A.A. groups and must be constantly watched. Men gossip far too much, too. But few men use it for punishment, or revenge, or cutting someone down to size. Once the news value has been absorbed, men generally drop a topic. But women worry the same dead mouse until it's unrecognizable.
6. Women are a questionable help working with men and vice versa. In 12th Step work, the intimate confidences often lead to the pity that's akin to love, and is often mistaken for same. The protective, the maternal, the inspirational interest often lands one or both in a broadside slip--and sometimes in extra-marital experiments, which, however clothed in the glory of "honesty," are disillusioning to many others, and frequently present a troubling question to those who are actually trying to live the 12 Steps.
7. Sooner or later, a woman-on-the-make sallies into a group, on the prowl for phone numbers and dates. Oddly enough, perhaps, she does not wear a placard and is not always easily recognized. Results of her operations can cause havoc.
8. A lot of women are attention demanders. Spotlight sisters. They want to be spoonfed, coaxed, babied, encouraged, teased, praised and personally conducted into recovery.
9. Few women can think in the abstract. Everything must be taken personally. Universal truths, to many women, are meaningless generalities. These women are impatient of philosophy, meditation and discussion. This is the kind of woman who figures "Just let's have this bargain; we'll pay so much faith down and the rest in installments." Which is a deceiving deal, for such buyers are generally the ones who have to watch the collector come and take the piano back.
10. Women's feelings get hurt too often. They rapidly and frequently are misunderstood.
11. Far too many women A.A.s cannot get along with the non-alcoholic wives of A.A. members. They feel ashamed or defiant, and they show it. Often they unwittingly forbid overtures--and then feel snubbed! Lots of A.A. women feel they attend a meeting to be helped--and concentrate to the point of rudeness on non-A.A. contacts. If they behave superciliously toward the non-alcoholic wives of members, they should hardly complain of being treated coolly in return.

Jealousy Crops Up

In a great many cases it is those non-alcoholic wives whose attitude causes the general ill-will. Too often they feel superior--and show it. Some are convinced that alcoholic women are loose morally--or have been and probably will be again! These suspect all women A.A.s as potential rivals. Even when no threat of sex is present at all, a large number of these wives resent closed meetings and the intimate talks and confidences at which no non-alcoholic can be present. They feel left out, hurt, outraged and resentful. And were we in their shoes, might we not find it hard medicine to let our man take? Even were we good sports, we might feel self-conscious in front of these same women. How many women A.A.s stop to realize that?

Before any other consideration, let us remind ourselves again that not all women have the faults mentioned, nor has any one woman all the faults. And human nature being what it is, a number of men have these selfsame faults to a disastrous degree. But somehow, women can cause more trouble, and what is even worse, keep the memory of the unpleasantness alive longer and more acutely.

Not all groups have suffered from having women alcoholics either. But those that have, and the individuals who care (1) that women make a success of recovery, and (2) that they hurt as few people as possible doing it, have given long and careful thought to the difficulties.

Tested and Suggested Solutions 

Here are some of the gems of wisdom--and please write in any thoughts you have on the subject:

A. Women drift away.
This seems to come from four causes:
1. Disapproving, or resentful, impatient, or possessive relatives. No woman will remain long with any interest if she is forever having to defy, or make apologies or take sarcasm from those closest to her.
2. Reaction. When the honeymoon is over and it's a matter of settling down to steady loving work, when the swing of the pendulum goes from excitement, discovery and elation to the extreme of boredom, apathy, distaste, or disillusionment with another member, she is apt to go off the deep end.
3. Ulterior motive for entering A.A. She was not honestly seeking to get well for herself and her life, but for some purpose. Once that goal is achieved, her sobriety and her enthusiasm for A.A. evaporate.
4. She never grasped the full program. She was one of those, perhaps, who found a miracle return of health in the 1st and 12th Steps, plus group therapy. But those who brought her in never sufficiently impressed upon her that there are 11 Steps that mean work on ourselves and only one that means work with others!

Then too, women, while drinking, frequently had the thrill--wholly false, but very convincing at the time--of feeling they were cute, amusing, bright and witty, or full of energy and power. They find sobriety crushingly bleak and their ego bleaker. Since comparatively few have come in at a very young age, most women find the reality of facing up to middle-age or advancing years just too gagging--particularly since they have wasted their capabilities, drinking away time and thought--and are so poorly equipped for maturity.

Rooted in Subconscious
Put this down to rampant vanity if you will but it goes deeper into the subconscious than that, for men too know vanity and dread of age. Add the feminine slow poisons of the Prince Charming dreams, the Cinderella-rags-to-riches, the glamour-girl era, the stay-young-at-least-look-young campaigns that, however disavowed by the thinking woman, are as much a part of her subconscious as air is a part of water. (With exceptions, as to any rule, of course.) With A.A. she faces reality. The reconversion of the biggest war factory is a no more involved job than that!

A. Newcomers (men, too, but particularly women), should be made thoroughly conscious that they are very sick people--far sicker than they fully realize, and that their outlook and viewpoint, their tastes and their judgments are neither what they once may have been--or will be after a tested and sustained period of sobriety. A woman coming into A.A. is usually highly emotional; she has lived through a period of that peculiar kind of abyssmal loneliness that only drinkers can know, and her gratitude and dependency on those who are kind and helpful are apt to be all out of bounds and mistranslated both by herself and others. All her reactions are apt to be intense (even those who reached the lethargic slow-thinking stage can form fixations) and she should guard against any strong attachments, male or female, until she has been sober long enough to have achieved some stability.

With men and women thrown together in varying degrees of recovery from a disease that is charged with emotional disturbance, the pitfalls are many. Any alcoholic has come through a long lonely time of it (generally self-inflicted, but lonely just the same), and affectionate reactions, the old, old rebound, the new return of life and zest, the happy experience of understanding, tolerance and sympathy, have been the cause of too many slips to do Alcoholics Anonymous any bit of good, and have doomed many an individual to total failure in permanent recovery. Newcomers, therefore, should be impressed that we are all sick people in some stage of recuperation.

B. A sense of humor seems to be the remedy here--plus the first active practice of a little humility.

C. This may be due to a specific cause of treachery--or from century old rivalry. For too many generations to count, a woman's only hope of whatever luxury, care, and comfort her world offered, was through favor in a man's eyes. Since success could not always be counted on through our own wiles, there developed a neat technique in cutting our sisters from under--good!

Certainly a change of heart--or a change of viewpoint--is necessary in a sound, healthy, happy mind. Women are a good half of the population, and it behooves us, however slowly, to learn to like, to understand and to help each other; and when we have learned that, to pass on the idea as early as possible to our daughters and female associates.

It's odd and it's wonderful, that many women have learned to like women for the first time in A.A. We have, to begin with, that magical bond of common suffering that joins us in the battle for recovery. It's a suffering that pretty much strips us of the subterfuges and dodges we've practiced so long. We should nurture this basic premise and cultivate loyalty to each other, whatever each other's faults. Nothing, perhaps, will be more salutary to the whole parcel of A.A. problems than a feeling which all A.A. women should seek to establish, sustain and cement--that we stand together. Not against anybody or anything, but most certainly together. And show ourselves and the world that we can, do, and like, to work together.

Women's Meetings

Women's groups are working out successfully in many cities, though fundamentally segregation is somewhat contrary to A.A. principles. Alcoholics are banded together in the fellowship of a basic malady and as a part of our healing we must help each other and like our fellow human being regardless of who or what he or she may be. For women to set themselves up as a special case is questionable to say the least --particularly when one of our chief weaknesses as alcoholics has been to stress the I'm-different-and-nobody-understands-me solitude of thought that leads to desolation. On these arguments, many A.A.s are against women's groups. But there are no rules and regulations in A.A., and a number of women's groups are doing remarkably well. Some women prefer them.

There are others who have managed to straddle this point by forming women's units that have weekly gatherings, meeting in private homes. They are not run as groups per se, but an hour's discussion is held on a previously selected allied topic or a point in the program, after which the main portion of the evening is given to informal talk over refreshments. Thus each woman comes to know a number of others well enough to feel a kinship, to go to meetings with, to phone without a sense of strangeness, and to do 12th Step work with. There can develop a fine feeling week by week of confidence and understanding that is often of great aid in averting a slip.

D. So does everybody, and too often the curb is neither stressed nor practiced. A lot of newcomers earnestly resolve to refrain from gossip --only to be disillusioned by others who gleefully broadcast confidences and embroider details. A "repeater" is something like a Typhoid Mary. Any A.A. who tells intimate secrets and blabs case histories is as false to her trust as a priest or a doctor who would publish a patient's confessional outpourings. Discretion is a valuable lesson to learn; loyalty and kindness are even more so. Nothing should be told unless for the immediate and express purpose of aiding that sick person. We should privately vow never to tell anything without the knowledge of the person who gave the original confidence. If we set the aim that high, our tongues will be pretty well bridled.

E. Those who are sincere in 12th Step work are not apt to approach it with the remotest sense of flirtation, Lord knows. But sex consciousness is not to be denied by those even a fraction more than eunuchs, and if we pray "Lead us not into temptation," it should follow that we do not lead ourselves into it. St. Paul's admonition that we "avoid the appearance of evil" can save much misunderstanding and many false conclusions.

Certainly a woman new to A.A. should be advised to tread lightly --and never singly --with male members. She should be encouraged to work with a man, or get help from a man member only when another A.A. is present, male or female.

This practice of having another A.A. along is a quickly acquired resolution with many women anyway. (Except of course on visits to hospitals or other public places where help or witnesses if needed can be easily summoned).
F. For every lady "tramp" who comes into a group there are several times her number in wolves and would-be wolves. Unencouraged she'll drift rapidly out --or buckle down and do a job. Who are we to judge? We should refrain from judgment and give everyone a full exposure to our ideals. But being open-minded and tolerant does not mean to condone anything verging on loose morals.

The rest of the difficulties stated in this article are due to the particular struggle women have in understanding and acquiring the two foundations of A.A. --humility and honesty. We are born with organs that involve suffering and sacrifice. We find that this inheritance evokes in our fellow man the highest and the lowest of instincts. Is it any wonder that our emotional values, supercharged alternately with fear and desire, are apt to be unstable? Add to that the traditional conditioning of centuries of chattel status --of servitude, of the menial. . .

Recently in the world's history women have emerged as individuals with rights. Few as yet have been fully aware that with rights and privileges go responsibilities and obligations. But when women irk you, keep remembering how very, very recently were they permitted an education, allowed even to sing in a choir, be accepted in a college, or be permitted to own and dispose in their own names.

Until yesterday then, a woman's only way to whatever standing she achieved was chiefly through enticement, cajolery, defiance, subterfuge, the weapon of the deadly tongue, and pandering to man's basest instincts. Honesty comes hard? Humility comes hard? It's small wonder.

On the other hand there are innumerable women of our day (many are in A.A.) whose honesty and innate perfectionism became so ruthless and so intolerant that it led them into drinking. They perhaps more than anyone else have to pick themselves up out of the deepest disillusionment. And they, far more than men, are the ones apt to be most impatient and critical of their slower sisters whose minds and moral standards have had no training for the new so-called freedom.

When we were in favor, in the past, when we pleased, we were praised and flattered and treated tenderly. We instinctively expect such treatment now for whatever we do. Of course our feelings get hurt easily; we are oversensitive--we are cruelly aware of our secret inferiority, and many of us are acutely conscious of our inadequacy to handle freedom.

So let's be patient and understanding, we women, of ourselves and of each other. And let men remember, when baffled, that women are working out of an inheritance of abject slavery.

The real problems aren't so different in the main from those of men. Men perhaps have other basic defects, some harder, others easier to recognize, admit, and discipline. Except that we can be dangerous to each other, thank the Lord who made it so. Let's not kid ourselves. And let's not make a point of it. But let us recognize it --honestly and humbly.

It's true that circumstances alter cases. But not much.

…........
Manhattan, New York “

(our edits and our emphases)

Comment: The above article is no more than a rather protracted (and self contradictory) rationalisation in support of the 'special and different' brigade. Simply substitute gay, straight, black, white, young, old, newcomers, oldtimers etc for “women” - together with a few stereotypical modifications added to further distinguish the category - and you have a ready made template for yet another so-called “special interest” group! Of course the author is quite correct in stating: “.....there are no rules and regulations in A.A ….” . However there is equally no rule or regulation which states that the remainder of AA has to accept their inclusion in group listings or participation in the service structure or indeed their right to refer to themselves as AA groups. The “they're only guidelines” defence cuts both ways! If such a group were to object to exclusion and claim that the traditions prohibits such action the argument may equally validly be made - well the traditions are 'only' guidelines! We don't HAVE to abide by them!

Cheerio

The Fellas (Friends of Alcoholics Anonymous)

PS We have to say that our very own “Ferret Fanciers in AA”(non-restrictive) recovery group is doing particularly well. But then we, of course, are the exception!

See also AA Minority Report 2013